Revealed: The warriors set to challenge Emperor George Bush II of All the Americas

With Democratic Party presidential candidate fever currently sweeping the US of A like Washington sniperphobia or an outbreak of ebola, we at The Rockall Times have decided to offer some clarification as to just who is in the running to stand against the might of George Bush II™

To many people living outside of the United States, the process by which candidates are selected is simply bewildering. The current system, for example, began in 1862 with Montana frontiersmen expressing their particular political favourite by tossing a toad into one of seven buckets. The outright winner, plus two runners-up and a wildcard chosen by a semi-clairvoyant chicken would rapidly decamp to Utah where they would be judged on their ability to read an indecipherable golden tablet using magic spectacles.

New Jersey then got its chance to examine the three survivors' credentials. Until 1998, this involved a challenging written paper on Paul Robeson and the legacy of slavery, subsequently replaced by an informal chat about The Sopranos.

The two saddle-sore and weary gladiators who passed this ultimate TV trivia brainteaser finally made their way to Florida, stopping only in California to wow last-minute waverers by promising to cut taxes in an Austrian accent and fondling the arse of anything with tits and a pulse.

Florida residents cast the final dice via a punch-card voting system. Tradition dictates that these are largely unreadable, thrown unceremoniously into the dustbin, and the decision as to who will be first past the tape passed to the Florida Supreme Court.

So, there you have it — the long and gruelling road a prospective Democratic presidential candidate must travel before even having the chance to square up to his Republican opponent.

And here, for the record, is the complete list of front-runners, one of whom must utimately cross swords with the mighty Emperor Bush of All the Americas:

	Senator Kerry McFadden: Married to the Crosse & Blackwell baked beans heiress, McFadden has entranced the US public as the latest incarnation of a previous legend from Massachusetts, Ted Kennedy. The red-hot favourite after sweeping victories in such bellwether states as Puerto Rico and Southern Fried Chicken, McFadden has vowed "Bring it on" to George Bush and "Get it on" to Marc Bolan. Kerry reckons Al Gore failed to claim the White House prize because people didn't think he believed in anything. Kerry, on the other hand, is the bookies' favourite to win the Democratic nomination because people know he doesn't believe in anything. The Senator's voter-friendly big hair is all he's likely to need for a rollercoaster ride to the Oval Office. You can vote for McFadden by pressing the red button on your interactive TV remote control.
	John Grisham: Silver-tongued former trial lawyer from somewhere in Dixie, Grisham has charmed his way into the US national consciousness with a campaign that has been resolutely upbeat. His riches-to-more-riches legal tales have enchanted those who would like to be similarly moneyed and his good looks have charmed the crucial gay vote. Still fresh enough to campaign on an "I'm-a-Washington-outsider" approach and his advisers are now working on the "I'm-a-Washington-insider" approach that he will use in four years' time.
	General Slobodan Milosevic: Achieved fame by standing up to the notorious braggart and military buffoon Wesley Clark in Yugoslavia. Milosevic's campaign has been somewhat hindered by his present incarceration in a Dutch prison. His wooden speaking style has also failed to excite and there is speculation that he may return to his previous post as Governor of Serbia. However, his hardline views on capital punishment and Muslims have led some to hail him the natural successor to George Bush.
	Howard Keel: Stormed to an early lead in the polls as "Mr Angry" and the leader of the "Get Bush" camp. Has recently faltered following a demented Neil Kinnock like scream after his crushing defeat in the all-important Dixville Notch caucus. His vigorous denunciations of George Bush originally enthused the party faithful however his support declined when it was revealed that he foams at the mouth, chews the carpet and always has his sleeves rolled up. Backed by Al Gore.
	Rev Reggie Bacon: Allowed to join the campaign to liven things up as the token black candidate, Bacon began his career as a character in a Tom Wolfe novel and has continued in the same vein ever since. Best known previously for his willingness to join any campaign that will get publicity and now for his witty remarks.
	Dennis Kucinich: Although possessing a name worthy of further parodic investigation, it must suffice us to note that Kucinch is campaigning on the outrageous premise of health-care for the poor and an end to American military adventurism — policies which put him utterly beyond the acceptable mainstream.
	Janet Jackson: A late entrant, Jackson has little new to say politically but has shot to the lead in the polls after flashing her tit at Justin Timberlake and 100m prime-time TV viewers. Expected to run on a ticket of subsidised nipple jewellery for all Americans Of Any Color As Long As It's Black.

Next week:

A free 666-page cut-out-and-keep guide to the ins-and-outs of the average US presidential election. Includes the amazing story of how during the 2000 campaign George Bush won the Louisiana voters' hearts with his "get tough on ragheads" stance — despite not being married to his own sister or owning a banjo of any description.