Rowan Raunchbitch's torrid sex tips for red-hot lovers

Readers can hardly imagine the scenes of complete and utter euphoria here at The Erotic Digest at the announcement that our favourite hard-news source had finally overcome its technical difficulties and was set to unleash a new wave of journalistic excellence on the world.

The printers' apprentices immediately set about their favourite celebratory ritual — a "circle wank" on the writhing naked form of office girl Gemma who was herself raised to an almost religious level of ecstasy and who continued to stroke her engorged pudenda like Blofeld's cat for a full two days.

Thor Hungstallion too entered into the carnival atmosphere, running around the building dressed only in cowboy's chaps and with a latex representation of Rockall dangling by a chain from his Prince Albert, alternately consuming amyl nitrate and considerable quantities of Russian vodka.

I must admit that I even allowed myself a small sherry, as I mused on the phoenix-like rebirth of The Rockall Times. A Second Coming, as one wag in the production department put it.

A second coming indeed. And if the resulting explosion compares in any way to that which engulfs my kitchen twice a year when I allow my partner — under strict guidelines — to expose his hideously engorged member to me so that I might perform "manual relief" on him using a pair of salad tongs, then we can expect a veritable tsunami of comedy ejaculate from Rockall's swollen satirical scrotum.

Of course, said partner is not in the habit of secretly emptying his sack before the prescribed time. Any onanistic tendencies he previously displayed have been drummed out of him by a rigorous programme of cold showers and the strategic placement of numerous Vanessa Feltz portraits around chez Raunchbitch.

And I really believe that release, when it does come, is that much more satisfying for the enforced abstinence. Indeed, our Christmas 2003 "tossing of the salad" filled no less than three Lady Di memorial eggcups with man juice — a personal best.

So I sincerely hope our friends at The Rockall Times have not — during their temporary absence — been scattering their seed on stony ground and will in future preserve their vital essence for a weekly, substantial, outpouring.

As for myself, I am delighted to confirm that my highly successful series for this publication will continue as before. I think it's fair to say that Britain can now boast freedom of sexual expression to match anywhere in the world (excluding Scandinavia, Latin America, parts of Europe, large swathes of Africa and most of Asia, naturally), and it's all thanks to Rowan Raunchbitch's torrid sex tips for red-hot lovers.

I shall return shortly with a new set of tips designed to allow you to get the most from your genitals, but until then continue to enjoy intercourse as I have occasionally done — in the dark and through a hole in a sheet.

Rowan Raunchbitch is editor of The Erotic Digest

Read Rowan Raunchbitch on:

• Fisting
• The pearl necklace
• The dirty weekend
• Shaving
• Frottage
• Bondage
• Water sports
• Tongues
• Lesbian
• Anal
• Threesomes