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I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

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Trawl Rockall for:

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'So, like, where exactly is London?'

Anna Johnson, 21, from Houston, Texas, is leaving the United States this Autumn for the first time to spend some time abroad, intending to immerse herself in foreign culture and find out how different people in far-flung countries live.

Unfortunately, she is not exactly sure how to locate London, the giant metropolis which marks her ultimate destination.

"When people ask, I never know what to say," a confused Johnson told The Rockall Times. "If I say 'Europe', people look real concerned and ask me if I think I'll manage with the language problem and if I'll be able to eat the food. But I'm not going to France, for pete's sake! I'm going to London."

Although she has a vague notion that London's geographical whereabouts place it outside the US, Johnson continues to struggle to respond to queries about her trip.

"OK, I know it's London, England, because I've heard everyone say that like my whole life," Johnson confirmed. "But then my buddy Rhys Jones told me that London is actually the capital of Great Britain. I was like, 'what's the difference?' But Rhys's dad is like Scottish or Irish or something and he says there's a big difference. So now I'm not sure where I'm going."

Television news has also compounded Johnson's confusion — despite the fact she completed two years of a community college degree course before dropping out.

"Then I saw Tony Blair on Fox News and they said he's the prime minister of the United Kingdom. What is that about?" Johnson asked. "I thought he was president of England. What's the United Kingdom? Is that because it's part of Europe — like united with Europe?"

Despite her bewilderment, and the frustration of a fruitless search for a map or atlas showing the position of Britain's capital, Johnson is looking forward keenly to her stay in London.

"I bet it'll be just like the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral," she chirped happily. "And Rhys's dad has such a cute accent! I love it! I know everyone in England is going to talk just like him."

Breaking news

So concerned was the Foreign Office when it learned of Anna Johnson's distress that it has ordered the immediate production of an emergency pamphlet aimed at all American visitors to the UK. Entitled No, we don't eat squirrel and yes, we do have McDonalds! the pack will be available free to all potential tourists from across the pond and will feature a very, very big map showing Britain's exact geographical position, an introduction to the native tongue called "We say tomartoe, you say tomaytoe, which are virtually indisinguishable if you make the slightest effort to understand what people are saying", and a hand-written apology from her imperial majestyness Queen Liz II to all former colonials for the almost complete lack of cobblestones, fog, Hackney carriages and people dressed as Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins currently to be found in London.