The Rockall product test: The Internet

Even the most comatose of hacks here at The Rockall Times has become aware of the global phenomenon that is "The Internet" – not least because our illustrious organ is published on it. Attracting praise and castigation in equal measure — often from the popular press —, it is no wonder that the ordinary man on the street increasingly finds himself wondering whether the "Web" is in fact an information superhighway or nothing more than a cul-de-sac inhabited entirely by necrophiliac paedophiles.

Help is at hand however, as we have waded through the sometimes rather murky waters of "The Internet" to present an authoritative test of this complex medium.

Working under carefully controlled conditions; our highly-trained team of boffins attempted to complete a number of everyday tasks using The Internet.

Test One — Find something out

The Internet has a reputation for making huge amounts of vital information readily available. In this test an attempt was made to find out the true circumstance behind the tragic death of Her Holiness Princess Diana of all the Knightsbridges. Our experts utilised the popular search engine, Google, and asked: “Was Princess Diana’s death an accident?”

Test One Result

Our query returned 15,600 results. These ranged from highly credible sources such as David Icke to largely dicredited news providers like the BBC. In order to interpret the results, our scientists have constructed a complicated software algorithm to give each of the results a credibility rating and thus determine the most statistically likely correct answer. At the time of going to press the program was still running but is expected to finish sometime in the summer. Early indications are that the Queen of Hearts met her untimely end at the hands of the Black Operations Executive of Huntingdon Life Sciences acting on the direct orders of Prince Charles.

Test Two — Publish something

Of course, The Internet is available to all those who really feel they having something important to say. We therefore decided to establish a so-called "website" on which we could discuss minute continuity errors in US Sci-Fi films and television series.

Test Two Result

We were unaware that a website must be written not in English, but rather in "code" and that this art is practised only by a elite and highly-secretive clique of pizza-loving "nerds". We were able to contact one such artist who told us that for £10,000 we could have a single-page website complete with words and (some) pictures within six months. For £10 we could have a single-page website written by Russians in ten minutes with no pictures or words at all, but rather a very nice "404 error message". Our experts quickly became bored with the complexity of web publishing and spent the entire site budget in the pub.

Test Three — Buy something

Left alone for three hours with the corporate credit card, one team member was given a list of unusual items to buy, including Nazi memorabilia, a kit to convert a semi-automatic rifle to fully automatic, some penis-growth formula and a genuine degree certificate from the International University of the South Sandwich Islands.

Test Three Result

Three days later we were visited by the Special Branch who took away all of our computers and arrested our tester for downloading 60,000 images from Eastern European lolita sites. Despite his protests that it was purely for "research purposes", he expects to receive a hefty fine and a lengthy stay on the Sex Offenders' Register.

Test Four — Meet a partner

The Internet is touted as being the ideal place to find true love so our testers visited a number of chatrooms and lonely hearts sites to find that special someone.

Test Four Results

Several dates were arranged after seemingly promising online courtship and, donning their cleanest white coats, our researchers duly set forth for their assignations. Three turned out to be with undercover policemen, two were white slavers and one was a university research Unix box in an electric wheelchair. One of our boffins did have a number of follow-up dates with the Unix box but their differing views on the merits of the Windows OS proved they were fundamentally incompatible.

Test Five — Download some music

Our team were keen to explore the possibilities of free music from The Internet. Being boffins they do not have a firm grasp of contemporary music but were advised by the laboratory tea boy that Metallica were a popular beat combo whose music is freely available on The Internet

Test Five Results

Ongoing lawsuits with both the band Metallica and the RIAA mean we cannot publish the results of this test. We would, however, be extremely pleased to hear from any good copyright lawyers who are prepared to work cheap.

Test Six — View some erotic images

In an attempt to explore the saucier side of The Internet, our boffins set out in search of some erotic images. Many had heard rumours of petticoats, unclothed ankles and even garters, so hopes were high for a successful outcome.

Test Six Results

Our team's delicate sensibilities meant that they were ill prepared for the deluge of filth that poured onto their monitors. One team member was particularly badly affected and has since spent all his time masturbating over a composite picture of former BBC royal correspondent Jennie Bond's head on highly-talented model Jordan's body, her breasts swollen electronically beyond the limits of plausibility. Another has now left The Rockall Times and started his own highly-successful paedophile ring. Suffice it to say, it was extremely easy to find erotic images, even ones of completely naked ladies.

Conclusion

At first glance The Internet seems suitable for little more than viewing pornographic images. If this were the case however, it would scarcely explain its amazing popularity, especially amongst single males.

A more complex interpretation of the results reveals that it is also good for spending hours and hours looking at computer screens. This ensures that many socially inept people can lead relatively happy lives without ever leaving their homes. This in turn leads us inexorably to the conclusion that The Internet is in fact nothing more or less than 21st century care in the community. While it may provoke sexual perverts to develop and act upon their sick fantasies, it's clear that for every Internet-fuelled kiddie-fiddler wandering the streets looking for prey, there are ten very dull people safely contained where they cannot bore to death their fellow human beings.

We at The Rockall Times are therefore happy to recommend The Internet as an essential source of information, succour for the socially needy and a well-stocked repository of top-quality pornography.