Lottery £100bn spunked on vile sex 'comedy'

Almost £100bn of Lottery money was used to fund a vile sex "comedy" dubbed as one of the filthiest, most nauseating and sordid pieces of effluent ever to float through the sewer of the British film industry, it emerged yesterday.

Sex Lives of the Potato Men was savaged by the critics on its release last week. One called it "shameful and repulsive" and "the cinematic equivalent of untreated sewage". The Daily Mail's own cinema critic was so incensed by the depraved 83 minutes of explicit sexual content that he was unable to file his copy, and instead beat a cardboard cut-out of a Slovenian gypsy with a stick for three hours.

Tory MP Anne Widdicombe fumed: "The Lottery was not meant to fund movies like this. We were always told that the money would be used for local sports grounds, good causes. I'm very offended by this." When asked whether or not she had actually seen the film, Widdicombe threatened our reporter with a knife.

Potato men revolves around two men from Walsall who — when not delivering potatoes — indulge in a satanic litany of depraved sex. According to the Mail on Saturday, the film contains scenes of orgiastic excess, phone sex, sex with comatose women, fellatio, oratorio, buggery, necrophilia, frottage, lavage, menage-a-deux and trois, bondage, submission, intermission, girl-on-girl, black kiss, Greek, golden shower, golden handshake, executive relief, kissing with tongues and other base debaucheries "too mean, cruel and offensive to be describable in a family newspaper".

The paper dedicates nineteen pages to the film, four of them outlining the case for the reinstatement of capital punishment for kiddie-fiddlers, members of the IRA and specifically those who make films the paper disapproves of. It also produced a fourteen-page supplement outlining Film Council plans to give immigrant Albanian pimps millions of taxpayers' cash to produce snuff bestiality videos as part of a "World Cinema" initiative celebrating Britain's diverse cultural heritage.

The Mail has attracted widespread support from MPs. Julie Kirkbride, shadow secretary for culture, media and sport, said: You can produce any old rubbish with your own money. When it is public money, it should be spent on something which ordinary, hard-working people want to watch. Like opera, or ballet."

When asked her personal opinion of the film, Ms Kirkbride explained that she would not "descend into the sewer" by actually attending a screening.

However, the film's critics may have a legitimate case. Indeed, the question that every parent must ask him or herself tonight is this: Have we in Britain sunk so low that someone allowed this puerile idiocy to become such an abominable waste of time a celluloid, a sex comedy so sordid, unfunny and malodorous that it is enough to put you off sex, and indeed films, for life? Well have we, eh?

Johnny Vegas was mercifully unavailable for comment last night.

Next week

Win a pair of tickets to Sex Lives of the Potato Men — the hilarious new sex comedy which has taken the country by storm!