Those Iranian election results in full

The recent elections in Iran have proved a terrible blow to those Western governments hoping for the further liberalisation of the Middle-East's favourite sun-kissed paradise.

With thousands of reformist candidates disqualified from the contest, there are fears that lack of an effective opposition - coupled to voter apathy - have combined to allow the peoples' republic to move even further from the democratic ideal where a free-market economy, Coca-Cola and the right to enjoy Janet Jackson's nipple jewellery on live TV ensure a long and happy life for all.

Millions of Iranians simply chose not to vote, preferring instead to stay indoors and watch Dennis Norden's popular The World's 100 Greatest State Execution Blunders — Ever! Part 16, another hilarious compilation of bodged decapitations, firing squad bloopers and amputation mishaps.

As a result, the political right has pretty well swept the board, scotching hopes that Iran might be transformed from a despotic theocracy led by humourless men with beards to a US-style despotic democracy led by humourless men with nuclear weapons.

The inhabitants of the Islamic Republic may soon rue their apathy. In recent years, young people had enjoyed increased freedom to indulge in previously-forbidden freedoms such as sex, drugs, rock'n'roll and that most fundamental of all democratic rights — strong alcohol and plenty of it.

Now reformists fear a return to the republic's Dark Ages: a time of fear when even to utter the name of Christina Aguilera in private carried the risk of one's tongue being removed with hot pliers by Koran-wielding members of the Revolutionary Guard.

Time will tell if these fears are well-founded. Others cite a possible thawing of relations with the West as hope for the future. Indeed, Prince Charles' recent visit to the site of irrefutable evidence of Allah's approval of Iran's piety — the devastated city of Bam — may signal a warming of diplomatic relations. On the other hand, it may have been nothing more than another meaningless beano at the taxpayers' expense benefiting no-one but the UK's No.1 tree-hugger. We leave that to the experts to decide.

Here, then, and exclusively to The Rockall Times, are the leading movers-and-shakers in the new Iranian parliament, aka the Majlis:

	Ayatollah Ali Khamenei: Not actually a member of the Majlis, Khamenei nevertheless hold the reins of power in Iran on account of being the unelected supremo of the whole country with control of the armed forces. Has in the past clashed with president Khatami over reform and has repeatedly embarrassed government attempts to thaw relations with the West by calling the US "The Great Satan", the UK "Great Satan's Lap-Dog", France "Great Satan's snail-eating ponce", Italy "Great Satan's pizza delivery boys", Germany "Great Satan's bratwurst-sucking jackboot army" and Mexico "Great Satan's mezcal-washed whorehouse". Said to quite like Spain, though.
	Mohammad Khatami: Considered a moderate on the Iranian sliding scale of clerical extremism — which puts him somewhere between a bit of light Kurd-shooting and full-blown Jihad — Khatami started his career on the Tehran stand-up circuit, where he was an instant hit with the punters. His catchphrase "I'm not saying my mothers-in-law are fat, right..." soon earned him a place among Iran's comedy legends. Formed a close friendship with his political and philosophical soul-mate, Jim Davidson (see below), which lasts to this day. Khatami eventually moved into politics when he realised that he was not allowed to execute hecklers without first holding elected office.
	Kamal Khazi: In 1997, foreign minister Khazi became the first holder of the office to visit Britain in more than 20 years, and found the weather "bloody awful". Committed to improved relations with his neighbours, Khazi has nonetheless resisted US pressure to come clean about Iran's nuclear weapons programme. Khazi insists that this comprises nothing more than a couple of chaps in white coats looking at a very small piece of uranium through a microscope. The US, however, insists that Iran has the capability to launch 300 ICBMs and 5000 battlefield nuclear weapons within "about ten minutes". The truth may not be known until a full-scale invasion of Iran allows weapons inspectors to unearth the terrifying arsenal of atomic, chemical and bacteriological weaponry most certainly hidden therein.
	Ayatollah Blunkett: A key conservative, Ayatollah Hojjat ol-Eslam Seyyed Abdolvahed Mustafa-Idcard Blunkett masterminded the state security apparatus which now obliges all citizens to wear a barcode tattooed on their backsides. Prone to attacks of paranoia and hysteria, Blunkett is also responsible for the 17 forms of identification which anyone must present simply to ask a policeman the time. Nevertheless, the mad Mullah is said to be very attached to animals, especially dogs.
	Vlad-al-Impaler: Close Blunkett ally Vlad is an expert at pulling off seemingly impossible political legerdemain. Recently roundly condemned the racist right while simultaneously promising to "kick the fuc*king shit" out of all immigrants. Except himself, of course. Vlad originally hails from Transylvania and rose to power by killing all of his political rivals by slipping an invisibility drug into their coffee while they were asleep in parliament. Neither William Hague nor Iaiaian Duncan Smith have been seen since Vlad emerged cackling from a packing-case lined with soil from his native land.
	Jim Davidson: Despite apparent banishment to the political wilderness, Davidson has recently made an astonishing comeback after finding a new audience for his own particular flavour of right-wing philosophy. Often dubbed "The man Goebbels' could have been if he'd had a sense of humour", "Nick-Nick" has walked a fine line between acceptance and oblivion. While clearly disapproving of his alcoholic, wife-beating ways, Jim's critics cannot deny that his casual racism and misogyny will always have a place in the go-ahead, modern Islamic state.

Next week:

Ten fun things you never knew about Democratic Republic of Congo.