Texas legislates on public defecation

Texas today became the latest state to introduce toiletfree workplace legislation, joining Rhode Island, Arizona, Mississippi, Maryland, Georgia, Idaho, Washington, American Samoa, California, Delaware, New York, Connecticut, Maine, and Massachusetts, all of which have already passed similar laws.

Texas State Representative Bubba Joe Watz, made his point by holding up a bag containing a feces-blackened human lung.

"Individuals who choose to go take a crap choose to do so at their risk, but they have no right to place my health at risk. They can choose to defecate but they shouldn't force me or my children to breathe in their fecal matter along with them," fumed Bubba.

Watz says his bill would eliminate defecating in all public buildings. It would also eliminate defecating in taxicabs, airplanes, churches, hospitals, daycare centers and many other places. Certain outdoor areas such as hotel room balconies, public parks and swimming pools could be exempt from legislation, he conceded.

A spokesman for Texas, Gov. Dick Berry says the governor is undecided on the issue, but is concerned about secondhand fecal matter ingestion in public places. "This is a crappy issue no doubt. I will give it due consideration but I also have to consider what this will do to our toilet manufacturers and toilet paper industry"

Republican House Speaker Waldo Primm says it's unlikely that the Republican-controlled House will spend much time debating the measure. Primm says he doesn't want to place any additional regulations on Texas businesses. He says patrons who don't like to smell shit can choose not to go. "Like all good shit-lovers, representative Primmm ignores the workers," stated an irate Pancho Villa, Democrat from Brownsville. "Those damn Republicans are already so full of shit that they don't have to worry about the health consequences of breathing second-hand caca, pinches gringos!"

"WCs are still private property. The government doesn't own those in bars or restaurants, at least I don't think we do. And in a free society, maybe this is a touch too philosophical, but in a free society, people still have and deserve and need the right to make decisions just where to squat to shit," Primm said.

Of course, Texas places thousands of requirements on businesses to protect workers and patrons. For example, Texas doesn't allow uranium, arsenic, sarin, mustard gas or any other weapon of mass destruction in the air. Texas requires meat to be cooked outdoors in the family barbecue pit to prevent diarrhoea and other nasty surprizes, and milk products must be refrigerated and lactose-free too avoid unnecessary flatulence. By law, businesses can't have rodents, vultures, arachnids, gorillas or illegal immigrants in the kitchen or place tables and chairs in front of fire exits.

"Only when the Toilet Paper and Air Freshener industries are involved does government claim it can't protect workers and patrons," screamed Howard Dean, former presidential candidate who is vacationing in Phluggerville, just north of Austin. "It's all those Washington insiders that are forcing us to ingest all that shit".

Consumer advocate Ralph Nader told this reporter: "As we say in Texas, 'The shit is going to hit the fan soon'".

Stay tuned: we expect that the shit-slinging will intensify as the proposed measure moves through the small intestine of the legislative process.