Oral sex cancer scare causes dismay

The news that oral sex may cause mouth cancer has caused dismay among at-risk groups.

Scientists have confirmed that the human papilloma virus (HPV) - the cause of most cervical cancers - may also be responsible for oral tumours.

Researchers who carried out biopsies on those suffering from mouth rot found HPV present in a small number of cases. Chillingly, these sufferers had frequently indulged in sucking the spam javelin. Worse still, many did not even smoke - the usual cause of gob atrophy.

A top cancer expert, speaking at a recent conference on how to complete research grant applications in Bournemouth*, told The Rockall Times: "The risks associated with chewing the male member may be slight, but we are duty-bound to make all women aware of the possible repercussions of suck-and-swallow."

The news comes as a terrible blow to those most affected by the findings. Derek Scudby, chairman of pressure group "Society for the Promotion of Postmarital Oral Gratification" (SPPOG), told us: "This has set our cause back ten years. It's just the excuse the missus needs for not getting her laughing gear round me todger. I haven't had a BJ since me honeymoon, and that was in 1974."

SPPOG has appointed its own team of experts in order to promote the positive benefits of oral sex. "Human male ejaculate has proven health benefits if taken on a regular basis," said lead researcher Dr Nivea Jojoba. "It combats bowel and rectal cancer, improves night vision and has been shown among a test group of 13 women to noticeably reduce the visible signs of ageing when compared to the effects of other leading brands. I recommend three doses a week, plus supplementary ingestions at Xmas and on the partner's birthday."

Many women, however, have rejected SSPOG's findings. Derek Scudby's own wife Brenda, an attractive 42-year-old brunette, said: "I'm not personally worried about the possibility of my mouth falling off because of oral sex. The fact is that Brian has not drunk from the furry cup since he got blind drunk on his mate's stag night in 1982. If he's not prepared to partake of the bearded clam, then there's no way I am going to suck his piece. What about my needs, eh?"

We asked our resident sexpert, Rowan Raunchbitch, for her thoughts on this most intimate of matters. Her response was typically forthright: "In the end, whether or not to place one's oral parts in contact with another's genitals is a matter of personal taste. However, the health risks to women associated with "the blow job", as I believe it is commonly known, have been well documented. The latest findings simply confirm that wrapping one's lips around a hideously-empurpled member carries at best the possibility of a mouthful of steaming man-juice, and at worse the terrifying prospect of ejaculate-borne flesh-eating necrosis. While I would admit that many women find oral sex tolerable - or, when drunk, mildly stimulating - my advice is that sexual contact is best restricted to an annual penetration through a hole in a rubber sheet, followed by rigorous showering."

Important clarification

*We have been asked by cancer experts to explain that the recent conference referred to above was held in Bournemouth and concerned how to complete research grant applications generally, rather that how to complete said applications in Bournemouth. We apologise for any upset this confusion may have caused.