Everton fans will sue over Man U Goodison Park outrage

Some of Everton's famously sensitive fans, traumatised by the actions of celebrating Manchester United players during a recent game between the two sides, have now secured robust legal muscle in their search for real justice.

The facts are indeed shocking. After scoring the match-winning goal at Goodison Park on 7 February, several of United's players gesticulated wildly to the crowd as part of the impromptu festivities marking the event. Unused to such public displays, many of the Everton supporters suffered severe emotional distress as a result. Or that, at least, is what they told the Merseyside branch of Ambulance Chasers Direct, who are acting on their behalf on a "no-win-fee-lose-fee" basis.

Speaking from his house near Goodison Park, one visibly-shaken victim of United's euphoria addressed the scuffling press pack from a prepared statement written on Ambulance Chasers Direct headed notepaper. "It had been a lovely family occasion, me and the kids had had a happy time giving our opponents credit where credit was due as well as cheering the Toffees on in a non-threatening manner," asserted the ashen-faced Evertonian, before pausing to wipe away a dribble of alco-pop from the corner of his mouth.

Then, overwhelmed by the memory of the traumatic events, he continued: "I've have never, ever in my born days seen anything like it at a football match. Grown men hurling abuse at innocent football fans unable to defend themselves — and by that I mean we were just out of gobbing range, sadly. I've been off work for a week. It's me nerves. The doctor says I'll never walk alone, sorry, again.

A friend sitting next to him agreed: "Money can't compensate for the hurt we suffered, but it will certainly be a start, won't it?"