Haiti special: Whither now the sun-kissed Caribbean paradise?

The shock departure yesterday of much-loved Haitian president Jean-Bertrand Aristide leaves a dangerous political void at the centre of Caribbean politics which threatens to destabilise the entire Western world.

That, at least was what one US Marine commander told our Rockall Times Haitian correspondent this morning as SUVs packed with grunts fanned out across the capital Port-au-Prince to secure vital US-owned fast food franchises and anything producing oil or petrol.

Aristide departed Haiti on Sunday in an unmarked jet following US government refusal to intervene on his behalf in the burgeoning civil war. This may have shocked the beleaguered president, but is entirely in keeping with US "One Intervention and You're Out" policy.

Sadly, Aristide had already used his standard allocation after America previously occupied Haiti in 1994 and restored Aristide to power following a coup.

Aristide — known to his mates as "Lucky" — is believed to have fled the country with the entire national reserve: $12 in cash and a signed photograph of Roger Moore in Live and Let Die, valued at £30. Experts predict he will travel the world in a desperate search for sanctuary until eventually settling upon the one country which will have him, no questions asked: Saudi Arabia.

Meanwhile, the streets of Port-au-Prince are an entertaining and newsworthy melange of anarchy, looting, celebration, fear and uncertainty. Haiti may be the world's poorest nation (the average worker earns a pitiful €0.00375 a day), but it is, for now at least, the planet's most punditry-blessed country.

In a combined operation between US special forces and BBC News 24, channels world-wide were able to deploy hundreds of freelance pundits within hours of Aristide's escape. All struggled at some length to make sense of the turmoil, aided by computer-generated graphics and looped footage of machete-wielding black people.

Our man on the spot has reported, via sms, that it may take some time to restore any kind of order to this tortured land. He writes of men shouting incomprehensible French while waving their arms in the air, women shouting incomprehensible French while waving babies in the air, US Marines shouting incomprehensible English while waving guns in the air, and — unmistakably — the distant thunder of Sir Alex Ferguson who has just arrived in Haiti to express his outrage at recent events and his dismay at their possible repercussions for Manchester United's European ambitions.

Although the fog of calamity which now engulfs Haiti may be thicker than ten reality TV show contestants nailed together, it is imperative that the forces of law and order immediately consider who will now takes the reins of the poison chalice: who, in fact, is man or woman enough to take Haiti by the scruff of the neck like a Voodoo chicken, and blow smoke in its face until it coughs like a bitch?

We at The Rockall Times were fortunate enough to secure the services of a top international political pundit before the terrestrials got hold of him. Here, and in no particular order, is his shortlist of possible Aristide replacements:

	Papa Doc Ton-Ton Macoute IV: Backed by a 10,000-strong army of zombie assassins, Papa DTTM IV — as he is affectionately known by his supporters — certainly wields the rod of iron needed to restore order. Despite an appalling human rights record, he once exchanged blows with Fidel Castro at an non-aligned nations summit, thereby gaining him the eternal respect of the United States. Currently running a gay Voodoo supplies store in Los Angeles.
	Clare Short: A woman with principles who once threatened to resign from the Labour government no less than six times in ten minutes, Short is an unlikely candidate to grasp the Haitian helm. However, Tony Blair may feel it necessary to appoint the former overseas development minister to this geographically-distant post, should she prove unable to stop banging on endlessly about UN bugging conspiracy theories.
	Roger Moore: Highly-talented and respected actor Moore, now around 110, has — and despite appearances to the contrary — pretty well all of the credentials for a successful Haitian president: deflowering occult virgin priestesses; shooting people at Voodoo rituals; and a close long-term relationship with the CIA.
	Uri Geller: For Romanian mystic and spoon-bender Geller, this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to prove the sceptics wrong. Geller will, once in power, be able to disarm his enemies by turning their guns and machetes into blancmange. If, however, he is revealed to be a charlatan, then the baying mob will exact a terrible price from the reality TV favourite. Either way, it's a top result for humanity.
	Ronald Dumsfeld: US defence secretary Dumsfeld must be considered a front-runner since he already has already achieved one of the prerequisites for a successful Haitian presidential campaign by flooding the country with armed men. His next step will be to flood the country with weapons inspectors and to issue self-satisfied proclamations about Aristide's proven links to al-Qaeda.
	Bono: Sadly, the Irish roving rock pundit has been keeping a bit of a low profile recently. But if anyone can at a stroke resolve Haiti's complex socio-economic problems, it's Bono. And he could get his mate Sting to write a song about Haiti, too. Our top choice.

Next week:

How to find Haiti on a big map — our large-print cut-out-and-keep guide for US college students.