That new UK Pledge of Allegiance in full

We at The Rockall Times welcome the new British citizenship ceremony as heartily as an Albanian dole-scrounging gypsy welcomes his first sight of the White Cliffs of Dover and the Social Security offices which lie beyond.

However, the insidious hordes of asylum seekers trying to gain entry to these hallowed shores willy-nilly will now have to earn their keep. Captain Hook and his freeloading mates will be obliged to sing the national anthem and recite a freshly-penned pledge of allegiance to Her Imperial Majestyness Liz II of all the Englands before they even get a sniff of a passport. And, once they've recited the pledge with hand on heart, they are duty-bound to uphold the sentiments expressed therein.

And God preserve he who defiles this sacred oath. The days when Britain was a rent-free bed-and-breakfast for terrorists and swan-eating Balkan paedophiles are most definitely over.

Here, then, is that Pledge of Allegiance in full:

I [state name] pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United Kingdom, and to the Queen, God bless 'er, for which it stands
One Nation, under various Gods
But primarily the main one
Indivisible, suspicious and rumour-mongering
With chips and gravy for all

I promise to be a proper British citizen
To moan about the weather
Whether too hot or cold
The state of the trains
Speed cameras, the health service
Kids these days
And the price of fish

I vow to mistrust foreign food
Apart from curry
Oh, and Chinese
I will fear paedophiles, priests and change
And have unrealistic expectations of our national football team
I vow to be fascinated by anyone on telly
To bow and scrape to the ruling classes
To love my car more than my pets
And my pets more than my kids
I love this green and pleasant land
Have a banana

This is how the first group of 19 new Brits celebrated their elevation to the First World last week during a lavish a ceremony in London. Prince Charles was among the guests in Brent town hall who enjoyed the carnival atmosphere of neo-citizenship and an impromptu rendition of "Jerusalem" on the steel drums, courtesy of the Harlesden Crack Posse Calypso Five.

Home secretary David Blunkett, who also attended the bash, said: "Becoming a British citizen isn't just a badge of convenience. It means having the desire to demonstrably give something back to our wonderful multicultural community and to pledge to uphold the values of decency and democracy. Now, can I interest you in a compulsory ID card?"

Triumphantly holding his new passport aloft, inductee Sun-Ming Lai — formerly of Cambodia — enthused: "It feels great at long last to be a citizen of this proud nation. What's left of it, anyway — it's all going to the fuc*king dogs if you ask me. I blame the pakis."