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Dead boring in Purley

A junior doctor has been sacked for photographing dead bodies in the hospital mortuary. Dr Dick D'Eath, a thirty-two-year-old father of eight from Guildford, was dismissed from his post as a mortuary supervisor at Purley Memorial Hospital after relatives recognised their dearly departed on his website - www.letheanlove.com.

What has particularly shocked the nation is the content of these images, which graphically depict acts of a compromising nature taking place between the concupiscent corpses. Doctor "Necro" — as the press have dubbed him — stoutly defended his position when we interviewed him over a club sandwich and mineral water at the Purley Hilton hotel last week.

"I've done nothing wrong," said the dashing doctor, defiantly. "The chicks were dead when I snapped them. All I did was re-unite them with their boyfriends and hubbies. They were at it like rabbits when they were alive, so why should they be deprived of each other's company after they've popped their clogs? I've had no end of emails from people all over the world telling me what a comfort it has given them to see the dearly departed re-united in each other's loving arms."

"But what about the charges of necrophilia that have been made against you?" we asked.

"The Oxford English Dictionary defines 'necrophilia' as 'the impulse to have sexual contact, or the act of such contact, with a dead body, usually of males with female corpses," retorted the entrepreneurial champion of the recently extinct. "Nowhere does it mention the attraction of the dead for the dead, or physical intimacy between consenting corpses. I didn't shag them. All I did was bring them together and let nature take it's course."

"Your superiors have called you a 'seriously misguided' and 'no better than a drink-driving kiddie-fiddler with AIDS'. What do you say to them?" we persisted.

"That they're living in the dark ages," retorted the dapper doctor derisively. "The dead have as much right to happiness as the rest of us."

"But surely the dead are incapable of sexual intercourse?" we objected.

"Without assistance, perhaps. But then so are paraplegics and the terminally bewildered, but we don't withhold this basic human need from them."

"But surely the word dead implies a certain lack of function?" we continued.

"That's necrosist propaganda. How do we know what the dead feel or think? We arrogantly assume that just because they're not breathing and not moving around much, that they're indifferent to each other. Who are we to deny them a little fun just because they've kicked the bucket? It's an established medical fact that hair and nails continue to grow after death. That proves there's life left in the old stiffs. In fact I'm sure of it, or the auto-fatality with a broken neck I re-united with her boyfriend last week wouldn't have groaned quite so loudly when he went down on her. Don't the deceased have every right to enjoy a full and happy sex life with the partner of their choice?"

A good question. We consulted Professor Lazlo Abraham, of the London School of Post-mortem Consciousness Studies, who told us: "We simply do not know what happens to consciousness after the death of the physical body. The pleasurable awareness of sexual relations between consenting corpses cannot be ruled out at this point in our investigation of the complex neurology of the human mind." If this is true, it could revolutionise our understanding of post-mortem relationships, and may well mean that millions of couples, who have been cruelly separated by callous morticians hell-bent on maintaining their lucrative stake in the so-called "death business", have been unfairly deprived of the most basic of human rights.

We put this to the doctor's superiors at Purley Memorial Hospital. "What a complete load of cobblers," snorted Mr Davey Jones, a spokesperson for the Purley Hospital Trust. "Once you've passed away, there's about as much chance of you getting your leg over as finding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Dick D'Eath is a very sick and dangerous man who has dug his own grave by attempting to shroud his vile exploitation of the deceased with the mantle of pseudo-scientific claptrap. A full investigation is under way. Make no bones about it; we will leave no stone unturned in our efforts to discredit his perverted doctrines."

The Chief Constable for North Purley gave us the following statement: "Dr D'Eath was paid to sit on corpses, not to raise them. This is a grave abuse of the right of the dead to enjoy eternal peace. I shall not rest until this evil man is behind bars."

When we tried to contact Dr D'Eath this morning we were told that he has left the country for a short holiday in Kyrgyzstan, or a similarly vowel-deficient country.

More Ms Givings investigations into unusual sexual practices can be found here.

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