Royal fury at latest slanders

There was outrage at Buckingham Palace this week following the emergence of new allegations about possible misconduct.

A person who may be a man and might be connected in some way to someone high up in the Royal Family is said to have done a thing that possibly counts as misconduct if the person he or she did it to is the person he or she is thought to be and the thing in question was what it is rumoured to be and especially if the thing took place in the place where it supposedly took place. If it took place at all. Which is not clear.

Not surprisingly, these serious allegations have thrown the monarchy into turmoil, with all the mealy-mouthed holier-than-thou pinko do-gooders in the world taking the opportunity to call for the abolition of the monarchy.

“In the face of allegations such as this, it’s hard for the Royal Family to maintain any credibility,” said a man with a beard who has appeared on Channel 4. “Is this the sort of image we want to project to the world? Of course not. The monarchy is an outmoded institution, which has no useful function and exploits the...”

At this point we were distracted by a passing dog with an amusing face.

Others took a more measured view. “I’m sure people get up to things all the time in their own homes,” said royal observer Jonathan King. “There’s nothing wrong with things. People have been doing them for centuries. I’m not sure what all the fuss is about. No, obviously I’m not that Jonathan King. Now go away.”

The Palace quickly issued a strenuous denial.

Sadly, the Prince of Wales was unavailable for comment last night since he was tucking into a thick pork sausage with plenty of creamy mayonnaise.