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Tories to unleash stand-up comedy onslaught

The Conservative Party is to open a string of comedy clubs across Europe, we can reveal.

The initiative — announced yesterday at the party conference in Harrogate — comes as a result of the dawning realisation that many of the party's MPs have talents which would be better used on the stand-up circuit than in the Commons. "It's a way of reaching out to the man in the street," a Tory spokesman wearing an illuminated spinning bow-tie told The Rockall Times. "Here, sniff this plastic flower on my lapel..."

Tory supremo Michael Howard — standing on a platform constructed entirely from crates of soil shipped from his native Transylvania — told the party faithful that voters would have to choose between "two visions of government — a Labour government that knows best or smaller government played out in an intimate club atmosphere."

Howard went on: "To vote Labour next time is to vote for a government that has run out of steam, run out of ideas and run out of really top-quality material. It's indicative of a government that doesn't understand our history or our traditions or our culture and is possibly the most un-British government we have actually ever had in this country."

Indications are that the punters agree. "A blind man with a dog or a senior cabinet member punching a voter in the face is only funny once, maybe twice," said one concerned woman on the streets of Basingstoke.

Although Conservative party planners are remaining tight-lipped as to the exact details of the plan, we at The Rockall Times have obtained copies of a confidential memo outlining the breathtaking scope and ambition of Mr Howard's vision. If his party has the nerve to back the project, it will truly redefine the British political paradigm forever:

	Winterton's Morecambe Bay Chinese Theater: Top after-dinner speaker Ann Winterton is set to be promoted to club entrepreneur and MC when the first of the Tories' stand-up clubs opens shortly on the north-west coast. Likely to be a smash hit with middle England now that Winterton has a chance to bring her own particluar brand of humour to a wider audience. When asked for his opinion, talented entertainer Bernard Manning enthused: "Fuc*k me, a fuc*king bird in charge of a comedy club? You'll be telling me next they've got a fuc*king Chinkie outside running the fuc*king seafood stall."
	Vlad's Bucharest: Bringing some much-needed laughter to our Eastern European neighbours, Vlad's will be staffed entirely by Poles on temporary work permits and £1 an hour. The proprietor has confirmed that acts who fail to impress the audience will be impaled on wooden stakes, while persistent hecklers will have their hats nailed to their heads. OAPS half price on Mondays.
	Phil the Greek's: Housed in a lavish structure, purpose-built at the taxpayers' expense, Phil's will offer Britain the chance to delight and amuse visiting foreign dignitaries with our own particular brand of international humour. The nightly x-rated show is guaranteed to either delight or offend, depending on whether or not you're the dusky chappie on the receiving end of Phil's legendary wit. Recommended.
	Fortress Albion: Strategically placed atop the white cliffs of Dover, and provocatively facing the Continent, Fortress Albion will be hosted by hysterical dead-pan Tory wit David Blunkett. Expect plenty of material along the lines of: "There are these three weapons inspectors, right..." and "Clare Short, eh? What a cun*t!" Admission strictly by ID card only. No jeans. No Trainers. No ragheads. No Slovenian gypsys. Guide dogs welcome.
	Portillo's Gay Bodega of Mirth: Aimed exclusively at the ex-pat Tory homosexual communities of Spain's costas, Portillo's will deliver an irresistible mix of transvestite free-market dogma and cosy political anecdote to a backdrop of castanets and tapas. The venue promises to become the political Club 18-30 for the new millennium, so if you like your policies with a mouthful of Spanish sausage, book early to avoid disappointment.
	Jim Davidson's Immigration Game: Belly laughs aplenty are guaranteed from this hilarious game-show where foreign Jonnies with silly names battle against each other and the clock to win British citizenship. Broadcast live every Saturday night from Sangatte Sam's — the Tories' flagship chicken-in-a-basket family complex in France — our Jim will reduce you to tears with his spot-on impersonations of stupid West Indians called "Chalky". Happy hour 4-11pm.

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