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  Monday 15th March 2004  Society   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Coca Cola in deep water

Consumers revolt against Dasani — the beverage where less is more or less, less
by Flash Gorman

World-renowned drinks manufacturer Coca Cola has run into trouble with its latest beverage. The offending drink, Dasani, was launched as part of Cola’s new philanthropy product range. Made from Essex tap water, it is sold at a mere 30,000 per cent mark up after subjection to a purification process originally developed by NASA to recycle astronauts' urine.

Unfortunately, despite this impressive pedigree, the very lack of chemical impurities in new drink has led to problems for the company. Complaints have been pouring in to Coke's headquarters from parents who have been shocked by the effect Dasani is having on their offspring. Darlene, twenty eight *, from New York, is typical.

“I have two young kids and rely on Cola to provide enough of a sugar hit to get them through a busy day of watching TV," Darlene told The Rockall TImes. "I bought some Dasani because I saw the Coca Cola label on it and assumed it would be full of nutritious additives. Imagine my horror when it just hydrated the kids in a desirable manner. It’s hardly what you’d expect from a fizzy drinks company. I'm not paying good money for something I can just get out of the tap and if was concerned about my kids health then I'd give them some Sunny D — because, like, not all kids like vegetable and stuff, do they?”

Rumours are circulating that Coca Cola intends to increase the mass appeal of Dasani by upping the amount of the amount of spaceman’s bladder juice it contains, but the company is clearly determined to press on with its philanthropy range. The next product to hit the shelves will be fresh air — bottled at source in Essex. The air will be sold under the FA brand name and will be available in sweet or dry varieties. So, remember to look out for a bottle of "Sweet FA" in shop near you soon. Your kids will love it.

(* Stone)

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