Nation rejoices as Rusedski cleared

Top tennis player Greg Rusedski is today celebrating in a four-star Montreal hotel close to his home having been found not guilty of the charge of testing positive for illegal substances — an accusation which has crippled his illustrious career for a full six months.

"It's been an absolute nightmare", said the good-looking, internationally-famous tennis star in an oddly unplaceable accent shortly before flying off to his Toronto home, "but now I can just get back to the job of losing".

The months of turmoil for the good-looking, internationally-famous tennis star began last year when a random test at a tournament in his home town of Winnipeg showed that his body contained huge amounts of banned Type Canadian — despite Rusedski's declarations that he was 100 per cent Lawn tennis Association approved Type British.

Rumours about Rusedksi's true type had bounced around on the circuit for many years as he moved up the world rankings, but this apparent official confirmation of genetic abuse sent shockwaves through the world of strawberries and cream.

However, Rusedski fought back, insisting at the time in a prepared statement read out by a loveable Cockney: "Cor blimey guv, strewth, I choked on my jellied eels when I was told. I ain't never touched nuffin' Canadian never - I'm as British as Zola Budd."

Now, after further analysis, the Tennis World International Team has absolved Rusedski of having any Canadian blood in him. His recent run of poor tournament results apprently went in his favour, leading the scientific experts to conclude he was in fact completely British. This leaves the good-looking, internationally-famous tennis star free to return utterly vindicated to his penthouse apartment in Vancouver.

Another British player — who asked to remain anonymous and who we will refer to here simply as "Tiger" — explained to The Rockall Times some of the pressures that all his fellow UK competitors were under: "Clearly the metabolism of British players is just not suited to winning tennis tournaments. So, yes, there's always the temptation to take something foreign to improve performance."

Tiger made it clear that for his part he had never been tempted and was happy to concentrate his efforts on Persil adverts and being "nice".