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North Wales police deploy ultimate anti-speeding weapon

The Welsh police force has come up with the ultimate deterrent to that most hardened and ruthless criminal — the speeding motorist.

Chief Bobby Richard Bumstrut yesterday unveiled RUMaD, the result of two years' work by top boffins at the MOD Weapons of Motoring Distraction Dept. This comes hot on the heels of Bumstrut's other major ongoing project — a bicycle heroin delivery service covering the North Wales area.

RUMaD was developed following an in-depth study of traffic in the UK. Experts noticed that the majority of the public slow down to 29mph when approaching a normal speed camera. However, having passed the camera, they then accelerate to the maximum speed their vehicle will allow, with complete impunity and without risk of prosecution.

Realising that the safety of the public was on the line, scientists came up with a solution which will not only put a stop to such behaviour, but which also carries the extra benefit of helping the government eliminate rampant and cavalier speed tax avoidance.

The principle behind RUMaD is that as most speed cameras are sited on long straight roads, the authorities could place a missile 500 yards up the road which would be triggered by anyone who snuck legally past a camera but then speeded up.

The clever modifications they have made to the US Army surplus cruise missiles selected for the job include a big, yellow fluffy pillow tied over the warhead. Bumstrut was at pains to point out that there was no risk of eco Armageddon since all of the radioactive material had been removed and sold to a Middle Eastern recycling facility.

The RUMaD is designed to deflect off the windscreen of any car travelling under the speed of 29 mph and explode safely three miles down the road. On the other hand, if the criminal motorist is determined to be a menace to society, they they will be efficiency eliminated without a further burden being placed on the overstretched legal system.

Critics have pointed out that what worked well in the Playstation-based simulation, might not work so well in practice. The MOD R&D spokesman however was quick to deny this, saying that if the missile would only explode at speeds in excess of 29mph. He conceded that the combined impact speed was in fact 729mph, but that "extensive testing on the pillow ruled out unfortunate accidents". In fact, he added, an explosion would be definitive proof that the car was travelling over the limit, and the relatives of the criminal motorist would therefore not have a leg to stand on, or any other part of their beloved's body for that matter, should they wish to appeal.

When asked what RUMaD stood for, Bumstrut told The Rockall Times that he "didn't have clue" and that it "just sounded good" and that if anyone could think up a snappy name to go with the acronym they should "give me a call but not on a mobile while driving because we're introducing legislation to make that a capital offence".

RUMaD goes live on various straight roads in the region from today.

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