Banks issue Easter credit warning

Banks have issued a stern warning that the majority of UK families are risking a ruinous Easter break as a result of poor financial planning.

May face the prospect of a bleak Bank Holiday weekend because they simply do not have enough available credit to fund the traditional celebrations.

"People are often financially overstretched at this time of year," explained a fat man in a suit counting gold coins from a wooden chest. "The knock-on effects of Xmas, St Valentine's Day, St Patrick's Day and Mother's Day mean that credit cards have taken a battering and there is nothing left in the cupboard with which to fund the Easter orgy of spending."

Tradition dictates that Easter is a time of rejoicing and giving. While children are normally content with a small token gift — PS2, Nike Trainers or a DVD player — many wives will not settle for anything less than a buy-now-pay-2008 fitted kitchen or alpaca-hide three-piece suite.

An expert in the etiquette of giving told The Rockall Times: "It is accepted that any significant date must be celebrated according to the accepted custom: by the exchange of expensive gifts and the purchase of consumer goods. A husband who simply presents his wife with a red rose on St Valentine's Day, for example, or lavishes his children with nothing more than a chocolate egg on Easter Sunday is flying in the face of thousands of years of tradition. Furthermore, he faces ridicule and social exclusion for his inability to properly provide for his family."

With Easter fast approaching, the UK's major banks have some solid advice for those who simply cannot meet the financial demands heaped upon them: "The average family owes around £7,000 on credit cards," said a spokesperson for a consortium of High Street lenders. "That's absolutely nothing compared to their mortgage, so we suggest that applying for two or three extra cards will see them nicely through Easter and may even leave a bit of cash available for the feast day of St. Wilfrid the Younger on 29 April."

When we expressed surprise at the concept of St Wilfrid's day, the banks' emissary looked shocked: "Christ, where have you been? St Willy's — as it's known in the retail trade — was resurrected to plug the consumer gap between Easter and May Day. You have bought the wife the St Willy's Day card, chocolates, flowers and diamond earrings, haven't you? And don't forget the kids — they'll be expecting a new bike each."

We later spoke to the Bank of England, voicing our concerns that excessive borrowing would lead to fiscal disaster for many. Their leading analyst, sitting at the wheels of his Merc convertible — a St Patrick's Day present from his mistress — allayed our fears: "Interest rates are presently low, so it's an ideal time to borrow as much cash as you can lay your hands on. Obviously, you don't want to try and borrow when the interest rates rise. That would be financial suicide, so better spend while the going's good."

We declined his kind offer a 29 per cent APR, £5,000 limit platinum store card. "So," he chuckled, "you're pretty confident you'll have enough to see you through the Martyrdom of Guru Arjan Dev Sahib on 16 June? These Sikh festivals don't come cheap, you know."

Next week:

Our cut-out-and-keep guide to how to survive Polish National Day on 22 July for less than £2,000.