Old Trafford crisis: Where has it all gone wrong?

As Manchester United sink to their lowest-ever Premier League position (only 345,000 replica jerseys sold last week) the murmurings of concern and discontent grow ever louder across Surrey and south-east Asia.

So, what are the options available to the world's richest football club to reverse the seemingly inexorable decline?

In a Rockall Times exclusive, we name the potential new signings who could take United back to their position as the number one shirt-selling outfit in the whole world:

	Ronaldinho: He refused to sign last year on the basis that he would rather join a club — Barcelona — who were on their uppers. This is not likely to be problem now. Also, with Luke Chadwick gone there would be no competition for the all-important Most Ridiculous Looking Footballer award at Man U.
	Luke Chadwick: If Ronaldinho can't be persuaded to desert the dull drizzle of Catalonia for the boom-town that is the new Manchester then perhaps the face-ache one can be lured back with a multi-pound contract and the promise of as many meat pies as he can eat.
	Gareth Southgate: The theory among many was that the self-styled "Most Sensible Man in Football" would have been perfect to strengthen the leaky United defence in the absence of Rio Ferdinand. In fact, with Wes Brown, Mikael Silvestre and the Neville brothers the only other possible choices even two Rios wouldn't be enough to strengthen the defence, and Southgate would still be a good choice. Also he might get asked to do some more hilarious Pizza Hut adverts.
	Rio Ferdinand: Used to be quite a successful player before being forced from the game for poor time-keeping and missing vital appointments. Sadly, he has spent the past four months shopping in the centre of Manchester and may never be the player his supporters said that he might (perhaps) one day turn out to be. However, he may be unlikely to want to actually play for £70k a week when he gets that amount now for doing fuc*k all.
	Luis Figo: Now that his top-flight career is coming to its end, the famously modest and unassuming Portuguese winger may consider the traditional move down to a lesser club worthwhile. Then again since most of his supply of passes would have to come from Gary Neville he may not.
	Rock of Gibraltar: A bit "outside the box" this one but it would have the advantage of reducing Fergie's non-football distractions as well as adding two extra pairs of legs though only one more player. Reputed to have a "good engine" and be willing to tolerate hairdryer treatment. Little experience of football, so he should get on well with Diego Forlan.
	David Beckham: Even more unlikely than the Rock of Gibraltar since this would necessitate an apology from Fergie — something that Sir Alex of Manchester is never known to have previously uttered, even after he accidently wiped out an entire Vietnamese village in a fit of pique after a penalty decision went against his side in a pre-season friendly. Beckham's qualities are well known to United fans though of course with his role in the team now usually taken by Darren Fletcher getting his place back may be difficult. Or not.
	Jean-Bertrand Aristide: Currently looking for a new club after his sudden departure from Dynamo Haiti, Aristide has many of the qualities United might be looking for: ruthlessness, aggression and a violent temper. Seen by many as the natural successor to Roy Keane.