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Blair and Gaddafi: Inside the tent of destiny

Last week's historic meeting between Britain's Tony Blair and Libya's Muammar Gaddafi holds the promise af a new era of trust and co-operation between the two sun-kissed democracies.

We at The Rockall Times salute Blair and his relentless drive to protect our nation's best interests at a time when we are more than ever at the mercy of dark forces.

Here, exclusively, is an edited transcript of that momentous encounter which will silence forever those who doubt that such an alliance is expedient, or desirable:

BLAIR: President Gaddafi, how lovely to see you. Great tent.

GADDAFI: Thankyou. Allah be praised that your journey was a safe one. Tea?

BLAIR: Lovely — milk, two sugars. And a chocolate digestive.

GADDAFI: Forgive me, we are right out of digestives. Custard cream?

BLAIR: Actually, I've brought my own digestives. Try one — they're one of our biggest confectionery exports.

GADDAFI: Delicious. I thank God that our new-found entente will once again allow my people to enjoy such luxuries.

BLAIR: Excellent. Shall I put you down for three thousand cases of milk chocolate and two of plain — a month?

GADDAFI: Ah, Mr Blair, I regret that we must firstly, how do you say, clear the air?

BLAIR: Agreed. You first...

GADDAFI: No, I insist.

BLAIR: Really, I must pro...

GADDAFI: Did you say six thousand cases of digestives per month?

BLAIR: Alright. I'm sorry we let American jets bomb Libya from UK bases.

GADDAFI: Excellent. Six thousand cases it is. Now, I really am sorry about Lockerbie. And that unpleasant business with Yvonne Fletcher.

BLAIR: Well, we can't dwell on the past, can we? Water under the bridge, bygones be bygones, eh? I must say, this is a bloody big desert. I suppose there'd be a lot of oil down there somewhere, would there?

GADDAFI: I believe so. Alas, we do not have the necessary expertise to exploit this richness to its full potential.

BLAIR: Really? Well it just so happens that there's a man from Shell outside, so if you'd just sign here he can get straight to it.

[One hour later]

BLAIR: So I said to George, I said that bin Laden is a right pain in the bloody behind and George is like doing his Eddie Murphy Beverly Hills Cop impersonation and jumping round the Oval Office shouting "I'm gonna pop a fuc*kin' cap in that muthafuc*ka's raghead nigger ass!" and Don Rumsfeld is out on the lawn taking potshots at a cardboard cut-out of Osama with an M-16...

GADDAFI: Despite our differences in the past, I agree with president Bush that al-Qaeda represents a threat to global stability.

BLAIR: And we must formulate a common policy of defence against this threat.

GADDAFI: Yes. What did you have in mind?

BLAIR: Firstly, we must be tough on terror and tough on the causes of terror. To do this effectively, we must be properly equipped for the job. I have taken the liberty of bringing with me a team of salesmen from BAE, who can better explain what British-made tools are available for immediate delivery. It's just a five-minute Powerpoint presentation...

[Fifteen minutes later]

GADDAFI: Right, so that's three dozen Eurofighters, colour to be confirmed, fourteen Hawk advanced trainers with a ten-year, unlimited mileage warranty, two hundred surface-to-air missiles, eight thousand SA80 rifles and three million rounds of ammunition.

BLAIR: Excellent. And if you could just sign here where it says "I, Muammar Gaddafi, promise not to use the above supplied material against Britain or her allies without due notice in writing."

GADDAFI: Which means what?

BLAIR: Seven days if you're going to shoot a policewomen in London, or twenty-eight days if you intend to drop an airliner on a Scottish village.

GADDAFI: That seems fair. Nice pen, by the way.

BLAIR: Yes, it's by Abercrombies of Mayfair. I'm certain that our embassy could get you the relevant contact details.

GADDAFI: Do they do the plastic ones where the woman strips when you tip the pen up?

BLAIR: I'll fax you a list of suppliers in the morning.

[Two hours later]

BLAIR: I'm sure that we can undercut your current camel saddle supplier by at least 15 per cent. You'll have the samples in two weeks. This tent is ok, but the lime green motif is bit 70s, if you don't mind me saying. Here's Linda Barker's number. Give her a ring. She'll be able to source suppliers — all top British companies: no tat.

[Three hours later]

BLAIR: And here's Bob the Builder's email address. He could do you a quote on that palace that was bombed by the bloody Yanks. He's reliable and reasonably priced. He did some work for Cherie and me down in Bristol a while back...

[One hour later]

BLAIR: So, to sum up: Shell, BAE, chocolate biscuits, building contracts, pens, camel saddles, miscellaneous military hardware, interior designers. Marvellous. I make that £500m over five years... knock off something for cash... War on Terror preferred partner discount. OK, there's just one last thing: do you want the extended breakdown cover on the Eurofighters or shall we just...

Next week:

Your cut-out-and-keep DTI guide to the vibrant Libyan export market

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