Pope calls for return to core Catholic values

Last Friday his magnificence, the all-knowing, all-seeing Pope John Paul Ringo George said that Sundays were not for secular diversions like watching the Playboy channel, playing sports, barbecuing or having sex, but rather for the traditional Catholic pursuit of Bingo.

"When Sunday loses its fundamental meaning and Bingo becomes subordinate to a secular concept of 'weekend' dominated by such things as bar-hopping, dancing, sex, entertainment and sport, people stay locked within a horizon so tiny that they are no longer aware of requests for money from the Mother Church," the pontiff said in a speech to Australian bishops and The Lions Club from Topeka, Kansas, at a meeting held at the La Gioconda Pizza Parlour in downtown Rome.

Pope John Paul Ringo George criticized the "culture of the 'here and now'", urging Church leaders to "lead men and women from the shadows of moral confusion and ambiguous thinking into the clear reality of unlimited monetary contributions". He stressed that the issue of priests abusing children should "never, but never, be discussed at fundraising events".

The 183-year-old "Il Papa" also encouraged Christians, especially wealthy people, to remain faithful to Sunday night Bingo, saying the secular culture was undermining the ability of the church to raise millions world-wide.

The Pope went on to state that the church was considering the reintroduction of the Medieval custom of granting "indulgences" and allowing "sinners" to charge the salvation of their souls to their Mastercard, Visa or American Express. The price, however, will no longer be a quarter of a Florin, as it was in 1517 when plenary indulgences were being hawked by the Dominican priest Tetzel, in Wittenburg. The revised tariff includes $199.95 for a basic indulgence (you pay, you die, you go to Purgatory for a thousand years, then you go to heaven) and the "Indulgence Deluxe" model which sells for $100,000.00 (you pay, you die, you go directly to heaven, you get a genuine autographed picture of the Almighty, a front row seat and 72 Italian virgins for all eternity). The Pope stated that the church could raise "billions" selling these indulgences and no longer would need the weekly Sunday night Bingo sessions.

A protest against these incredible pronouncements from Le Papa was launched by signor Giovanni Elvis Lutero, a former Jesuit priest who now runs a fruit and vegetable stand in Milano. Faithful to academic custom, Lutero placed 95 propositions (or theses) written in Latin on "Post-it notes", on the door of the La Gioconda Pizza parlour as an open invitation to a debate on their merits. They began with a popular attack on the venality of Rome, passed through questions as to the Pope's right to remit punishment inflicted by God, and finished by asserting that nothing but true Christian suffering and misery could remit spiritual guilt. Between these musings, there was the proposition that Bingo could, according to God's Law, also be played on Wednesdays, albeit for small stakes only.