Man urinates, then washes hands

Shock reverberated around a Dagenham pub last night as a man was seen to wash his hands, with soap and everything, after urinating in the toilets.

Drinkers at the Fighting Dog and Pikey looked on in amazement as the man emerged from the gents after a period of three minutes, which was generally agreed not long enough to have had a dump but far longer than anyone needed for a piss, even a really, really long piss.

They were even more astonished when another customer followed him from the toilet and reported in a hushed whisper that he had spent a good 20 seconds at the sink washing his hands and a further 45 seconds drying them under the electronic hand dryer.

“That’s… 20 and 40… 60… 65… over a minute’s good drinking time he’s spent in there,” shocked drinker Kevin Wilson said. “Spent? Did I say spent? I mean wasted.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I run the hands under the tap after a piss,” astonished drinker Graham Hughes said. “But soap? And the dryer! What’s wrong with wiping your hands on the arse of your jeans? It’s madness — madness, I tell you.”

“Where will it end?” Wilson wondered. “After going for a leak? What next? Before eating?”

The handwasher was unrepentant when we confonted him.

“If you had to hold someone else’s while they were having a piss, you’d wash your hands after, wouldn’t you?” he said. “You’d bloody scrub those hands. What makes you think you’ve got a cleaner knob than anyone else?”