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Revealed: Britney love trysts with 'stalker'

We can exclusively reveal that the mysterious "businessman" pop princess Britney Spears has claimed is stalking her, is none other than Gdubya Bush — a notorious arms dealer and former snake oil salesman from Wacko, Texas. In a shock announcement made in front of the twenty-seven stunned fans who had packed LA's Timberlake Stadium to see her, America's teen idol tearfully revealed her secret liaison with the world's most wanted terrorist.

"I did it again — um, I mean like, we did and then, like — we did it again and again," the flushed starlet admitted.

The announcement comes at a time when the career of the former virgin is at rock bottom. The cynical might suggest that it is this which has led her to claim to have riden the pork sword of the most powerful man on Earth.

We determined to discover the facts from the man himself when we interviewed him today at his kosher chicken ranch outside Wacko. "The Prez", as Mr Bush likes to be called, stoutly denied that he had savoured the sultry starlet's silicone charms.

"I have no recollection of having sex with that woman," said the suspected terrorist, sourly.

"Does that mean she's making it up?" we asked.

"This is a world that is much more uncertain than the past. In the past I was certain, we were certain, that when we had sex we would certainly recollect having it. We were certain, and therefore we certainly never denied the certainties we were certain of. That's what we were certain of. We're certain that even though Ms Spear's career may have bottomed out, the certainty that she had one remains pretty certain. We're certain there are people who would never believe that a President of the United States would have sex with a woman young enough to be his granddaughter."

At that point our interview was unexpectedly cut short by a telephone call from a Saudi Arabian gentleman who wanted Mr Bush's advice on Iraqi oil shares.

We eventually tracked down the pop pin-up to a sleazy motel room in Moose Creek, Montana and waited while she visited the wash room.

"I think you have a little powder on your nose, Ms Spears," we remarked, as the fun-sized, busty beauty bounced into the room.

"Eeeeww!" she exclaimed, wiping the glittering white dust from her flushed face. "Like, it's not what you think, you know? It's just a cold in the head, 'kay?"

We asked the busty barbie-doll what she thought had first sparked the mutual attraction between herself and Airforce One.

"Well like Georgie was sooo hot and I was like sooo horn, um - attracted to him," pouted the pop prima donna. "And then he starts telling me about the war on terror and I was like OMIGOD! That is soooo coool! And then he told me he was, like the King of America and he wanted me to like, be his Queen and I was like, sooo thrilled and he was like, sooo hot and it made my dad like, really, really mad and my mom really, really, jealous and all my friends thought he was like, sooo cool and that we made like, THE CUTEST COUPLE! And then he said we should start a family and I was like OMIGOD — hit me baby one more time, and he was like, all romantic and I was like SO sure that we would be together like, forever, and — what was the question again?"

At this point the Rockall Times photographer in attendance spotted an interesting cloud formation through the motel room window, made his excuses, and left.

"Nobody loves me anymore," Britney sobbed. "My shrink says my bottom is gross. Is my bottom too big? I wish my hair was thicker. I wish my feet were prettier. My toes are really ugly. I wish my ears were smaller. And my boobies could be bigger, couldn't they? I'm still pretty, aren't I? I can sing and dance can't I? I mean — like, I've still got LOADS of talent — right?

"You're a star, Britney," I reassured the neurotic nymphet.

"Do you really think so?" Oh — you're sooo sexy! Can I kiss you?"

"Not bloody likely," I replied, fending off the flighty floosie. "I'm a happily-hitched hetero mother of two."

"C'mon," pleaded the pint-sized pop princess. "Madge did it. Everyone's doing it."

"Oh, all right then," I conceded. "But no tongue please — I'm British!"

More of Ms Givings' ground-breaking investigative journalism can be found here.

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