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Tearful Rooney fiancée relives birthday nightmare

A celebratory punch-up organised by the families of Everton teenage soccer sensation Wayne Rooney and his lovely fiancée Waynetta was thrown into total anarchy and despair after some of those present refused to enter into the spirit of the occasion.

The event - held in honour of Waynetta reaching her 18th birthday without being shot or stabbed or raped - was held at Merseyside's finest establishment — the Croxteth Social Club — where guests enjoyed an eclectic international menu of lager, beer, wine, spirits and chicken-in-a-basket flavoured crisps.

The party had started well, with the atmosphere suitably heated and noisy. But matters took a turn for the worst around 3am when some of those present — who were either merely tipsy or in some cases still stone-cold sober — steadfastly refused to fight.

A visibly-shaken friend of the the Rooney family fortune later told police: "What's the point of a good old traditional Scouse birthday punch-up if some stuck-up gits won't have a go? They just sat there sipping their wine and chatting as bold as you like."

One witness told The Rockall Times: "It was a crying shame. Wayne's mum made sure she'd had a skinful and was looking to get well stuck in. His uncle was, like, mental. But some of those present just didn't want to know when the chairs started flying."

The brawl was, however, not a complete failure since at least five people were taken to hospital with cuts and bruises and some reports spoke of "claret all over the dancefloor". The Rooneys are, nonetheless, said to be "distraught" that several guests walked from the building completely unharmed. "It's ruined the greatest day of my life," a tearful Waynetta apparently told relatives before wading into a passing stranger with a Bacardi Breezer bottle.

Insiders suggest that some of Rooney's Everton colleagues at the bash were equally distressed — especially striker Duncan Ferguson. "Duncan was just fantastic," explained a man with a bubble perm and blood-spattered shell suit. "I mean, he had to take all this provocation from some guy who just sat there the whole time and refused to even take a half-hearted swing at a bloke in a wheelchair. Bloody hell."

Last night a commercial representative of Rooney sought to play down the outbreaks of good behaviour, insisting that those involved in no trouble at all were "outsiders", while all the native Scousers had kept "in the spirit of the things" and had "smashed the shit out of the place".

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