Adolf Hitler didn't smoke

There are those who would claim that our beloved land is tonight under the threat from a wave of Puritanism so virulent that it is nothing short of a fatwa, or even a jihad, possibly. At the very least it's a mini Crusade: a sort of long weekend break of a Holy War but without Richard the Lionheart.

This crusade of which we speak is, of course, the increasing tendency towards non-smoking, which — at its most fanatical — leans towards a literal anti-smoking interpretation of non-smoking. Ireland has fallen, the panic-mongers say, and it can only be a matter of time before beloved Albion also succumbs to an age of darkness and despair.

Perhaps you are among those who are reduced to tears by the thought of the smokeless celidh, the nicotine-free craic and the Dublin theme bar deserted save a few disconsolate members of the Salvation Army, supping white cranberry juice and half-heartedly shaking their tambourines.

Perhaps you are, but have you ever thought about the human cost of smoking? The 5,000 innocent lives snuffed out each and every year by other peoples' second-hand toxins?

The anti-smoking lobby tell us that one of these innocent souls dies in agony every 11 minutes. We'll take their word for that if they take our word that every 11.2 minutes someone, somewhere, is killed on a bicycle. Co-incidence? We think not.

While we agree that the terrible human cost of smoking must be addressed, we at the same time demand that all risks to our kiddies' futures be treated equally seriously.

One fervent public health spokescrusader who we didn't actually contact but who insisted on coming to our offices and shouting loudly through the letterbox confirmed that smoking-related diseases will in future be treated at the smoker's own expense. That sounds fair enough to us. Why should the non-smoker pay? After all, do smokers pay extra tax to inflict their filthy habit on the rest of us? No.

Ask yourself this: Do kiddie-fiddlers get free board and lodging and psychiatric treatment at our expense? No they bloody well don't. Making fag addicts stump up in cash, in advance, for cancer treatment is exactly the sort of hands-on, direct action we like here at The Rockall Times. And while we're about it, let's extend this punitive plan. Fat people would be a good start. We know that the obese deliberately stuff themselves with crisps, chips, chocolate and oven-ready microwaveable pizzas so that they can get themselves a fast-track, heart-attack driven passport to intensive care easy street. Let the fat bastards pay for their own coronary bypasses.

Obesity causes huge health problems and costs tasty-looking thin birds like me a fortune in medical insurance. Why don't you fat, ugly women stop filling your faces with fish suppers and get some bloody exercise? Or try walking the rug-rats to school instead of driving them there in your smelly, diesel MPVs? Better still, jog to school and smoke a couple of fags on the way. That should shed a few pounds.

On the other hand, we were told that jogging can cause knee and ankle problems, so it seems only fair that conscientious pavement pounders should pay for any knee and foot repairs themselves. Dangerous sports are another area long overdue for legislation. Why should you or I pay for a hip replacement for some rich stockbroker who's fallen base over apex in a Piste-related accident in Klosters? According to a recent survey conducted by the Fitter Britain Association, sports-related injuries cost the UK £106,437,000 every year and result in roughly 129,437.28 hospital admissions every week. Jesus H. Christ. And they expect us to pay for that?

After kicking the sports fraternity into touch, we suggest the Government tackles the thorny problem of history. It's criminally irresponsible to allow monsters like Winston Churchill to appear in books. Not only did he chain-smoke obscenely large cigars, he drank huge amounts of alcohol, was grossly overweight, and never exercised. And we call this a national hero? Is this any kind of example to be setting our kids? No, it isn't, so it's out with the airbrush for Winnie and enter stage right health-conscious Aryan Adolf Hitler. We can think of no better example of responsible and considerate behaviour than the slim, non-smoking, teetotal vegetarian with his legendary love of animals. His personal habits should be an example to us all and his life a reminder of what a truly healthy lifestyle can achieve. Remember: Adolf Hitler didn't smoke.

But perhaps the worst example of inconsiderate, self-destructive behaviour that threatens the health of our nation is the increasing number of middle-aged men suffering heart attacks during the monthly execution of their conjugal rights. This must be looked at urgently. If it's not distasteful enough the idea of lard-arsed proto-wrinklies poking their shrivelled wives, think about the poor paramedics who have to go in a clear up the mess. And, once again, it's us who foot the bill.

Sunbathing is another activity which cannot be allowed to continue; the skin cancer risk is simply too great. The list goes on, but to summarise, just imagine this: a middle-aged fat bloke enjoying a drunken post-coital cigar whilst skiing naked down a sun-kissed piste en route to a tour of the lard factory. Had enough? Us too — it makes our blood boil.

Implementing such sweeping improvements in the health of our citizens might run into some resistance, but we are confident that — just as the appointment of a drugs "czar" several years back has practically wiped out the use of illegal substances — persuading the nation to voluntarily give up smoking, eating, drinking, skiing, sunbathing and sex should not prove insurmountable. Especially when backed by legislation, fines and imprisonment. Forward with Britain.

More of Miranda Givings' campaigning journalism can be found here.

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