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World Exclusive: That Beckham steamy sex text orgy in full

Britain is today in a state of shock-induced catatonic anaphylactic deep coma after revelations in a Sunday newspaper that golden boy of English soccer David Beckham has been playing away with a feisty Spanish-born filly.

"I don't think I'll ever work again," one visibly-shaken England fan told The Rockall Times as he sat tearfully clutching a picture of Posh and Becks atop two jewel-encrusted thrones on their wedding day in 1999. "I'm on tablets from the doctor. It's me nerves," he explained, before breaking down entirely and blubbering uncontrollably into a flag of St George.

"That's Euro 2004 down the fuc*king toilet. For fuc*k's sake," bellowed an FA spokesman while striking a punchbag in the form of Rio Ferdinand with a baseball bat. "Eriksson will go bloody ballistic."

Sven Goran Eriksson did indeed explode like a Tunisian terrorist in a Madrid flat when told that not only had Beckham apparently engaged in sexual intercourse with Rebecca Loos, but that one of her friends had sold graphic text conversations between the pair to a UK tabloid. "He can't speak at the moment," one aide told us. "He's already smashed up the flat and right now Nancy's holding him by his feet while he tries to get out to hunt Beckham down with a gun."

Eriksson's rage is understandable. He demands the highest standards of sexual morality for himself and his players and considers the bond of marriage as absolutely sacred. And the scandalous content of the Beckham/Loos text sex orgy must have shaken the very proper Eriksson's belief in Beckham's suitability to lead England in Portugal this Summer.

Only time will tell. But while the nation waits in darkened rooms for the full ramifications of the scandal to unfold, we believe that it is in the public interest to publish in full the SMS conversation which marks the end of life on Earth as we know it. Please note that some of the texts are so graphic that they have had to be heavily edited:

RL: U made me so wet the other time had nightmare trying to work. U playing today?
DB: Playing today and also playing now, if u know what I mean.
RL: When am I going to feel u?
DB: Where do you want to feel me most?
RL: Your tongue ** **** ** ***** ***** ** **** ** *** ***** ** then sofly on ** ********* ** ******* *** mouth *** ****** ** big fat chorizo.
DB: OK. What u doing now?
RL: Playing with my nipples and **** **** **** ** *** pussy **** **** ***** love juices.
DB: **** *** ***** throbbing *** cock ** **** six yard box.
RL: ** ***! **** *** ***** ** beef curtains *** **** **** **** man juice.
DB: ********* **** *** ** **** pearl necklace ***.
golden shower *** *** **** *** Stan Collymore ***** dogging ** **** ***.
RL: Buckets ** come *** hideously empurpled *** throbbing **** shattering climax *** ******* * ******* * ***** completely satisfied as a woman.

Rebecca Loos is today believed to be in hiding in Democratic Republic of Congo, pursued by 20,000 heavily-armed paparazzi eager to secure the poolside topless money shot. Beckham has apparently applied for Spanish citizenship and is not intending to return to the UK until the tabloid heat is off — roughly 30 to 40 years, according to our experts.

Meanwhile, teams of international pundits have been examining the case to try and determine what exactly went wrong for the Beckhams. Many have cited Posh's well-known dislike for bullfighting and paella as a contributory factor in the split. Others point the finger at the punishing schedule of promotional tours and chat show appearances which have kept the highly-talented chanteuse away from her husband during the relentless plugging of her acclaimed and multi-platinum single This Groove/Let Your Head Go.

The Tories, however, were quick to attach full culpability to disgraced former immigration minister Beverley Hughes. "First she fills the country with fuc*king Romanian pikeys, then she destroys the marriage of Britain's best-loved royal couple. She must go, and she must go now," said a spokesman for Conservative supremo Vlad the Impaler.

Hughes immediately agreed to resign over the scandal. Speaking from her new West-End office — a malodorous sleeping bag in Waterloo's cardboard city — Hughes told The Rockall Times: "It was never my intention to mislead anyone on this matter, but I may have unwittingly given a false impression. I am confident that at all times I have acted properly and in the best interests of this country.

"However, in the circumstances I can no longer in all conscience serve as immigration minister," she added, hugging her wiry mongrel on string and rattling her pathetic begging tin while playing a mournful lament on the mouth organ.

When we pointed out that she had already resigned as immigration minister, Hughes sighed and made her way to the nearest public toilet clutching a bottle of vodka, 100 barbiturates and a cut-throat razor.

Next week

Lovely Loos' Beach Bonanza!: Nips like church coat pegs as a topless raunchy Rebecca puts the interest into public interest.

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