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Rebecca Loos gave 'executive relief' to emissaries of Satan

Bisexual Rebecaa Loos offered Satan's emissaries "executive relief" in the belief that it would give her the power to destroy the marriage of Britain's best-loved couple, we can confirm.

Loos, 28, sensationally FONDLED the barbed member of Astaroth during a orgiastic sacrifice ritual designed to spellbind loyal husband David Beckham. She further DRANK the blood of virgins, killed a black GOAT with a CAN-OPENER and CUT the hand off a hanged MAN for use as a "Hand of Glory" — a candle of invisibility to enable entry into Beckham's gold-plated Madrid boudoire.

These revelations come hot on the heels of our assertion last week that Beckham had absolutely at no stage exchanged sordid text messages with Loos while they INDULGED in frenzied SELF-GRATIFICATION.

Indeed, the shocking details of Loos' sexual perversion serve to further strengthen our ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY of Beckham's innocence and that at no stage did he indulge in Iberian RUMPY-PUMPY with the devil-worshipping harlot.

One of Loos' closest friends, who witnessed her drink and drug-driven depravity first-hand, told The Rockall Times: "Rebecca would stop at nothing to get at Beckham. Brazilian Macumba, Cuban Santería, — you name it, she tried it. When she heard about the job at SFX, she killed three potential rivals by sticking pins in a picture of them torn from Tatler. Later, she hatched a plot to murder Victoria Beckham by casting an appetite-loss spell over her, although you've only got to look at Posh to see that didn't have the slightest effect."

Loos' lachrimose associate — pausing only to wipe tears from an enormous cheque — then went on to chronicle a litany of outrages, noting that the semi-Dutch doxy had:

• Parked on a double yellow line outside a school packed with innocent kiddies
• Once been photographed with her breasts exposed on a Spanish family beach
• Indulged in sexual intercourse with people, some of them men
• Kicked a one-legged war veteran down a flight of stairs while laughing
• Lied to parliament about forged UK immigration applications for one-legged Romanian tilers
• Kidnapped and murdered four Japanese civilians in Iraq
• Had her hair done twice in one week
• Sold her story to a Sunday newspaper

Meanwhile, The Rockall Times has joined the growing chorus of condemnation clamouring for the head of Beckham's "mistress" Sarah Marbeck after the bow-legged 'ho sensationally claimed to have also BEDDED the England star while Victoria was PREGNANT and sitting in the next ROOM reading the BIBLE to Slovenian ORPHANS.

"This sickening press intrusion into peoples' private lives must stop, and it must stop now," thundered our sports correspondent before boarding a flight to Madrid with a suitcase packed with euros.

Next week

Beckham deflowered 1000 sobbing virgins before vital World Cup qualifier, reveals topless lap-dancing pal of Rebecca "Loose" Loos

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