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Mel Gibson to shoot martyrdom of St Sebastian in Hungarian

Hot on the heels of his controversial epic The Passion of the Christ, Hollywood's leading Catholic heartthrob Mel Gibson will shortly start work on his next religious epic Sebastian, we can exclusively reveal.

The film is set to further shock millions of Christians who — having barely recovered from the horrific 3-hour crucifixion scene in TPoC — will have to endure a veritable tsunami of claret as Roman soldiers pump hundreds of arrows into the hapless Sebastian over a gruelling seventeen, blood-splattered hours.

Insiders confirm that Gibson's obsession with historical accuracy and detail will mean that the audience will not be spared Sebastian's agonies. "A man shot by arrows would certainly take several days to die," one expert told The Rockall Times, "and whereas the average man contains around seven pints of blood, sons of God and Christian martyrs are thought to be able to accomodate roughly two hundred gallons. This is going to be a right royal gorefest, make no mistake."

Gibson's painstaking research does not just extend to bleeding-out times of people nailed to crosses or tied to trees. Indeed, Sebastian is set to rewrite the history books with Scottish highland locations, Hungarian dialogue and occasional musical interlude featuring Robbie Williams as the archangel Gabriel.

Ron Moody is slated to appear as evil Jewish emperor Maximian battling prefect of Rome Chromatius (Bruce Willis) over the fate of Sebastian. Alan Rickman plays a snarling English captain of the Praetorian Guard who undergoes an epiphany while discussing oysters with slave girl Meg Ryan, here reprieving her When Harry Met Sally role.

Other attractions include a non-speaking, wheel-on part for Pope JP II and a digitally-reconstructed Ollie Reed as Sebastian's mentor and spiritual guide Vinus Maximus.

The part of Sebastian is as yet uncast, although industry pundits have suggested camera-friendly and highly-talented Peter André, handsome, boyish IT girl Tara Palmer-Tomkinson or flamboyant interior design guru Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen as possible martyrs. "The public would love to see any one of these nailed to a post and and turned into a human hedgehog," enthused a London-based casting director. "I'm also putting up Geri Halliwell," he added.

Reactions to the planned film have so far been mixed: Christian pressure groups have condemned the use of such graphic violence to underscore a religious theme; Jewish pressure groups have condemned the project as "anti-Semitic"; black pressure groups have condemned as "frivolous" the casting of Eddie Murphy as a comedy talking donkey; gay pressure groups have condemned the lack of homo-erotic imagery which made Derek Jarman's own Sebastiane a firm family favourite; women's' pressure groups have condemned "mancentric" Gibson for failing to promote unknown female martyrs, such as Joan of Arc; Iraqi Shi'ite militias have condemned US backing for the project; fast-food outlets have condemned the film's total lack of tie-in kiddies' merchandising; and millions of other people around the world say they couldn't give a "tinker's cuss" either way.

Nevertheless, Gibson is reported "unrepentant" and said to be researching yet another Catholic eye-opener — St Melvin of Beverley Hills — the heart-rending tale of a simple Australian country boy who travelled among the pagans spreading the Lord's word until torn limb-from-limb by an enraged mob of historians, critics and film lovers. "It's a project very close to Mel's heart," one bible-wielding insider confirmed.

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