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Revealed: ITV's genetically-modified shame

The Rockall Times has this week uncovered a chilling genetic experiment carried out by a team of scientists working for ITV. Following the exhaustive interbreeding of volunteers — mainly agricultural workers from the Isle of Man — coupled with plastic surgery and gene splicing, the TV company has created a secret, mongrel society which lives on potato peelings and is housed underground, somewhere near studios in Deptford. Geneticists refer to this legion of the damned as "the primetime ITV studio audience".

"It appears normal people simply weren't prepared to schlep it to a cold studio of an evening to watch TV's Naughtiest Blunders," noted our speculative media expert. "After a while, numbers had fallen catastrophically, yet canned laughter was deemed insufficiently spontaneous. ITV needed bums on seats: bums with bums for brains."

Not only do the simple "audiencers" have a phenomenally low quality threshold, they have been bred with large, flappy, boneless hands that create a particularly tinny sound when banged together — ideal for clear transmission on inferior TV speakers. The audiencers' loosely-structured society is led by their "Queen" — a vast female who leads all applause with a high, shrieking laugh. Without these barely-sentient creatures, You've been Framed, Kids' Stars in Their Eyes and the hilarious sitcoms which comprise ITV's entire output would be accompanied by uncomfortable shuffling and coughing punctuated by the occasional embarrassed titter.

"They're a godsend," remarked one executive who asked to remain anonymous because he had once given a contract to Lisa Riley. "Anyone who appreciates Steve Penk and makes a whooping noise to prove is worth a million Dusty Bins to ITV comedy. We will never relinquish our army of automata — never."

But with the insane, ratings-hungry scientists of ITV finally rumbled, it appears the station will have to revert to canned laughter, rather than commit to the huge investment of making credible entertainment. As for the poor audiencers, they will either be returned by coach to the wilds of the Isle of Man or offered to the BBC for deployment on the forthcoming new series of the critically-acclaimed Mad about Alice.

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