Rockall Times supports calls to Keep Sunday Special

We at The Rockall Times are proud to announce that we are joining an increasingly vociferous chorus of Christian groups calling for the Sabbath to be restored to its former pious glory.

Amid the orgy of consumerism last Easter Sunday, during which millions of credit card wielding DIYers fought their way into superstores and garden centres in frantic pursuit of discounted flat-pack kitchens and two-for-one deals on dwarf conifers, our staff and their families gathered quietly around the piano to celebrate this most Holy of days.

We spoke yesterday to a representative from Keep Sunday Special — the lobbying organisation behind the campaign to pull the weekend back from the brink of sulphurous damnation. He kindly took time from beating himself with a stick to tell us: "You can go shopping anytime. We believe that Sunday is a time for family and quiet contemplation of Our Lord. Especially Easter Sunday."

Millions agree. Indeed, Easter Sunday 2005 may well be an altogether different affair. A spokesman for hundreds of thousands of power workers said: "We're balloting on the issue, but it looks likely that my members will support a motion to take off every Sunday as of August. We know it'll cause some inconvenience, but we're sure that people will soon regain the skills needed to cook Sunday dinner on an open fire."

He went on to advise people to stock up on candles and coal, and "keep a jumper handy in case the weather's a bit chilly".

Train drivers are also reported to be keen on the family-orientated Sunday, as are ambulance and hospital staff. One stressed-out nurse enthused: "I have to work alternate weekends, so closing the hospital for one day a week will be a godsend. We'd expect it to be pretty quiet anyway, what with the country's entire infrastructure shut down."

While there are some concerns that Britain would be left exposed to attack by al-Qaeda were all of Britain's armed forces sent home for one day a week, a government minister insisted that the risk was minimal because "there will be nothing worth attacking because everone will be safely indoors singing hymns".

Police forces around the UK today confirmed this prognosis, promising that all roads will close for 24 hours from midnight Saturday. Likewise, airports, railway stations, shops, pubs and churches will shut up shop for the duration.

We asked the vicar of our local place of worship, the reverend Dan O'Granite of St Igneous of Rockall, to confirm that he would join other clerics in not opening his doors on Sunday. "Too bloody right," he confirmed. "There's no way on God's earth that I'm going to work when I could be sat at home with a warm beer in my hand staring at a blank television screen while the wife tries to cook Yorkshire pudding on the barbecue by candlelight."