Tories promise clampdown on sloppy speech

The Conservative leader, Michael Howard, today announced a clampdown on sloppy speech, starting with the letter "l". He pledged that children as young as five could face jail if they do not conform to tough new standards which the Conservatives will introduce when they win the next general election.

Mr Howard, 62, first started speaking strangely around the time he went up to Cambridge and wanted to fit in with his contemporaries there — including the future Cabinet ministers Kenneth Clarke and John Gummer.

A fellow of linguistics at Cambridge University who did not wish to be named said: “When you or I say a word beginning with 'l', the tongue is at the front of the mouth, whereas with an 'l' sound at the end of a word, like 'people', the tongue is further back. Mr Howard doesn’t distinguish between these two 'l' sounds, which is why he says 'peepuwill' and so forth. And he expects the rest of us to do the same."

There is some confusion over exactly how far the new laws would go. One expert told The Rockall Times: "Obviously all words ending in 'l' are included but you’ve also got 'apple', 'bottle', words like that." Friends of Mr Howard are confident, after studying video tapes of his speeches, that the phonetic regulations can be drafted to allow "tilt", "elm" and "holt" onto the list.

Asked if he thought measures to jail children as young as five for infringement were too harsh, Mr Howard said: "If you can’t do the tie-eeem, don’t do the cry-eeem." When it was put to him that he was just sloganeering rather than engaging in the debate, he replied: "Prison works."

A Labour linguistics spokesman said: "Wouldn’t it be terrible if he did one of those 'Faking It' documentaries as a night club bouncer and a lion came up to him with a thorn in his paw but instead of helping the lion he just said 'If you can't put a tie on, don’t be a li-on' and then in the next programme he had to be a lion tamer and he got the same lion?”