Suspicious object causes London tube panic

The centre of London was in total chaos yesterday evening as shouting policemen in black boiler suits waving semi-automatic weapons shut down the the entire public transport network. The closure was sparked by a terror alert on a tube train which had travellers selflessly trampling each other in an attempt to flee the scene. Those not directly involved in the scare attempted to show solidarity; some by looting shops, others just by standing around, getting in the way and moaning a lot.

The alert was sparked by businessman Mark Timpson who spotted an unusual object in the tube carriage into which he was crammed.

"I was wedged in my usual position between the fire exit and a Romanian street beggar," explained Mr Timpson, "when I noticed this strange thing by the window. I've been travelling in the rush hour for over ten years and I've never seen anything like this. It looked like two oblongs stuck together, supported on metal tubes. I immediately alerted the driver and he ordered the evacuation of the train at the next station."

In what was a benchmark test of the emergency services they were able to arrive at the scene in less then six hours. Having first had a well-deserved cup of tea, they then explained that they had hoped to get there earlier but "central London was a nightmare, especially the tube". Donning protective marigolds and shower caps, the team descended into the station to examine the mystery object. They returned minutes later to report a false alarm. The potential threat was in fact an empty seat.

Said Mr Timpson "I do feel a bit foolish now, but it was certainly something I'd never seen before on the tube and I still feel justified in reporting it."

London Underground was quick to support Mr Timpson saying it was a case of better safe than sorry and it was sure that "many other passengers would have been equally bemused if confronted by an empty seat during rush hour". They said they would immediately cut the number of carriages per train to ensure the "one in a million" incident is not repeated.