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Teen magazine vice shame shocker

A shameful vice ring involving underage sex and drug abuse, satanic practices, sin and staying up late has been uncovered by The Rockall Times. Shockingly, and in a revelation which will chill the blood of every parent in the land to the very marrow, the conspiracy centres not around Albanian paedo-pimps at Dutch hardcore filth-peddlers but rather seemingly-innocent magazines such as Bliss, Sugar and Cosmo Girl.

After an exhaustive and expensive investigation, we have discovered that by reading such magazines, teenage girls – some as young as 12 and barely out of nappies – are lured into a twilight world of sex, alcohol, smoking, drugs and perverse tattooing and body piercing rituals. Corrupted by this knowledge, some of them have even gone so far as to "experiment" for themselves — with tragic results.

Here is one horrifying example: Tamara Hennessey, 14, of Worthing, West Sussex, spent almost an hour vomiting into her toilet last Saturday night after binge-drinking Bacardi Breezers with friends. When confronted by her parents, she admitted she had been encouraged to do so by a so-called “advice” column in the current issue of Sugar.

The offending column reads: “Remember, it is illegal for people under 18 to buy or attempt to buy alcohol in the UK. Also, your adolescent body is not fully developed yet and may have trouble processing the alcohol, which may make you ill. Always keep in mind that alcohol is a drug and will affect your body and mind in ways that you may not like afterwards. If you do drink alcohol, drink only a small amount, and make sure you have friends around who can help you if you get in trouble.”

Tamara’s father Peter expressed his outrage thus: “I cannot believe these magazines are openly discussing alcohol without exlpicitely stating the associated risks. What next — heroin? Prostitution? Incest? This kind of filth belongs on the top shelf.”

Tamara’s mother Jill added: “And Tamara is just one case. There must be thousands of young girls abusing themselves like this every weekend up and down the country. Just because these magazines tell them to. Every parent knows that there’s no way they would think of this kind of stuff on their own.”

The Rockall Times has not uncovered any other such incidents but if you know of any, please forward us the details in a suitably outraged email. And don’t even think about blaming companies that produce alcoholic drinks that taste like squash, because we will not give such comments the time of day. Those drinks are definitely not targeted at children.

Nigel Parker, a high-ranking member of the union of Holier-Than-Thou Bloody Moral Guardian Teachers, has also expressed concern at the magazines' content.

“These publications are not the place young girls, or boys for that matter, should be looking for advice on such sensitive matters,” he said. “They should turn to established bodies that are well used to handling children, and are also absolutely incorruptible. You know, like the police, or the Catholic Church.”

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