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'Big' Ron Atkinson says sorry

Rounded football pundit "Big" Ron Atkinson, the only man in Britain made from solid bronze, has been forced to issue an apology to those outraged by his offensive comments following the Champions League semi-final first leg between Monaco and Chelsea last Tuesday night.

In a conversation that Atkinson thought was off-air, the ochre commentator remarked that Chelsea defender Marcel Desailly is "what is known in some schools as a fuc*king lazy, thick nigger". The schools in question have been identified as St Joseph’s Primary in Edgware, Fenwick Green High School in Northampton and the private Hanchester College in Staffordshire. All have angrily denied the accusation.

"I am shocked and appalled," said a visibly shocked and appalled David Martyn, deputy head at Fenwick Green. "None of our students would ever describe Marcel Desailly in such terms. The preferred phrase around here is ‘slow, overpaid, past-it tosser’. Surely Big Ron should to be capable of criticising crap players without resorting to ignorant, childish abuse, the stupid fat orange bastard."

"The allegation is completely unfounded," insisted Margaret Chambers, head teacher of St Joseph’s. "Atkinson has no right to make such claims. My pupils don’t even know the meaning of some of those words — such as lazy and thick — because they are very intelligent and hardworking. Obviously they know what ‘fuc*king’ and ‘nigger’ mean. They are children, after all, and all kids love Eddie Murphy."

The head of Hanchester College was even more furious.

"Ron Atkinson wants a sound thrashing," raged Jeremy Sefton-Wood. "The brazen cheek of the fellow! As if any of my staff or pupils would direct such disparagement at Marcel Desailly! At Hanchester, this expression is used exclusively in relation to Emile Heskey."

Atkinson has expressed his contrition publicly.

"I tell you what, I’m apologising easy-oasy to those schools, before they put the reducers on me early doors," the coppery ex-commentator said. "Did you hear my unconventional turn of phrase there? I’m a unique character, aren’t I? I’m not a racist either, you know — I’ve managed loads of black players. I prefer them, actually, because they’re all big and strong and fast, and they’re not too bright so they do what they’re told."

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