 | ||
 |
This is a pub-friendly version of this article — print it out and take it with you down the boozer. |
 |
The original is at http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/2004/04/26/classified-ads.html.
Rockall classified ads 25.04.04
Middle-Eastern organisation seeks dynamic CEO (Short Term Contract)
by our resident headhunters Keyth Brooks and Jonathan Massie
The Position:
Our client, a respectable Middle Eastern organisation for the Oppressed, specialising in reprisals and revenge attacks, is currently looking for a dynamic and forward-looking CEO (though being "upward looking" may increase the successful applicant's tenure) to drive forward the business. Our client is primarily engaged in the mass murder of innocent civilians, but also has a healthy interest in civil unrest.
Personal Skills:
The successful applicant will have experience of rabble rousing (preferably in Arabic, though any suitably threatening and rabid-sounding dialect will be considered), threatening the State of Israel plus occupants, likewise USA. MUST have a reasonable command of heavily clichéd English ("volcanoes of retribution" etc). Past experience of stone throwing and being tear-gassed preferable. Ability to dodge helicopter-launched anti-tank ordnance will be a very useful attribute for the successful applicant.
Must be good with children!
The Package:
Competitive hourly rat, paid every hour on the hour. Our client does not envisage a requirement for salary to be calculated monthly, given the current rate of "staff turnover". Pension and healthcare are likewise not long-term considerations in this active, hands-on role. Matches will be provided for effigy and flag burning. Our client is currently reviewing its company car policy.
Accommodation:
Luxury Levantine location! The successful applicant will be provided with his very own villa in Gaza City. With some superficial combat damage, this locale has a real "indoors/outdoors" intifada chic ambience. The reinforced subterranean larder is stocked with a virtually unlimited supply of unleavened bread and millet plus emergency stocks of halal Pot Noodle. Rubble-lined swimming pool. Parking for several family saloons, or one Israeli tank. Air-raid shelter. Rockery. Replacement windows.
Plus:
Luncheon vouchers and guaranteed 5 Star Accommodation with thousands of virgins in the afterlife!
Applicants are requested to provide:
- A list of next of kin, complete with emergency contact numbers.
- Exact body measurements and distinuguishing marks to ensure the recovery of all remains in the event of any unforeseen accident.
- Three recent references, or one verbal or written condemnation by Arial Sharon.
From The Rockall Times Monday 26th April 2004
http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/.