Conservatives will win next election: Official

Political experts are predicting a huge victory for the Conservative party at the next general election after leading newspaper the Daily Express took paedophile asylum seekers off its front page for the first time in eight months last Thursday and used the space to declare its support for the Tories.

The paper, owned by talented pornographer and all-round nice guy Richard Desmond, is known to wield huge influence both in media circles and across British society as a whole. Accordingly, this editorial policy is certain to have a significant effect on the next election, which could be as early as 2005 but won’t be.

"It’s inevitable that the Express readers will be drawn towards the Conservative party when voting time comes around,” said Professor Anthony King of the University of Essex, the leading authority on British politics who is never off the telly. “How many readers does it have? I’m not sure exactly, but I know it’s lots and lots. Enough to cause a decisive swing, I’d say. Definitely."

Media experts have also commented on the Express’s declaration.

“Everyone knows that, where the Daily Express leads, all other newspapers follow,” said Dan Woodall, a lecturer in media studies at the University of East London. "It can’t be long before the Daily Mail and the Sun back the Tories as well. Maybe even the Telegraph. This is really going to shake things up."

Woodall pointed out that many Express readers are in the influential over-70 age bracket as well. "If the paper can convince even those readers start voting Tory — who knows?" he said. "We could be looking at the biggest landslide in history."

Leader of the Conservatives Michael Howard expressed his jubilation at the news.

"This is great for us," he said, pausing momentarily from nailing a peasant's hat to his head. "It could signal a repeat of the elections under Margaret Thatcher in the 1980s when, as the popular catchphrase had it, 'It was the Express wot won it'. Now if you'll excuse me, I’ve got to go and make a speech complaining about levels of Romanian immigration in South Wales."

Breaking news

The Rockall Times has learned that Express group supremo Richard Desmond — following his astonishing outburst during a Daily Telegraph meeting during which he dismissed a German takeover bid for the paper by calling all Germans "Nazis" and singing Deutschland über alles — will record a CD of cover versions with anti-racist standard bearer "Big" Ron Atkinson.

We understand that tracks will include "Free Nelson Mandela", "Ain't gonna play Sun City" and "Sing if you're proud to be gay".