Your cut-out-and-keep guide to democracy in Iraq

How it will work, and when

by Aloyisius Jazeera

With the United States insisting that it will stick to the date of June 30th for the handover of power in Iraq, we at The Rockall Times have been inundated with readers' emails — the majority of them from Iraq — demanding to know exactly what will happen and exactly when it will take place.

So, as part of our ongoing service as "the first, rough, draft of history" our Middle East experts sat down in conference and drafted an at-a-glance guide to explain the mechanism to bring Western-style democracy to the poor benighted people of Desertstan.

From now until the end of June

Control will remain with the US military peacekeepers who will continue with their efforts to simplify any future election by reducing the number of people of voting age. At the same time, a vast amount of resources will be invested by the US, ensuring that the building blocks for a traditional Iraqi civil society (RPGs for all, false moustaches for the less hirsute, communal mistrust) are in place. Regular bulletins about the sort of society that America is seeking — sponsored by fuel companies Bigoil and Petrodollar — will be put out by independent broadcaster FoxNewsIraq (motto: Fairly Unbalanced).

June 30th

The big day. US man-about-the-compound Paul Bremer will host the key ceremony to officially celebrate the transfer of power from the United States to "the Iraqi people". Janet Jackson is expected to take part in a lavish "half-time" show and in a nod to local sensibilities she will get her tits out but cover her face with a chador. To ensure everything goes smoothly, this event will be held at the main American base in Kuwait so the safety of those taking part can be guaranteed. Nothing will change in Iraq although a 700-page "What Democracy Means To You" will be made available to all those living in the country and published in all local papers except those sympathetic to Moqtada al-Sadr, obviously. All Iraqis will be given free rose petals with which to shower US soldiery.

July 1st

Following the expected "negative reaction" by "isolated renegade elements" the US will announce that it is "temporarily" taking back "theoretical" control until "the bad guys" have been eliminated. General Max Factor III will explain that this mission will take "a limited time" and that it will make "no difference" to the amount of "real sovereignty" the Iraqis have and "enjoy". And, in a welcome boost to local employment rates, thousands will be taken on as day-labourers to dispose of unused rose petals. An effort to create an electoral roll will begin led by missionaries based in the country.

August

By now things are expected to back to normal and a provisional electoral roll should have been drawn up. This will consist of three main groups: Iraqis who were in exile in Palm Beach and who have now returned, Iraqis deemed of "good character" by the CIA, and foreign contractors who have lived in the country for "at least two weeks". All of these groups will be entitled to have their votes counted — others may vote but only using papers with hanging chads supplied by the Florida Electoral Commission.

September

George Bush flies out to Iraq — or at least the newly-opened Iraqi embassy in Israel, staffed entirely by Filipinos — and declares major combat operations over "again".

October

By now things should be almost back to normal. Starbucks will have set up stores in every Iraqi settlement of any size and cable news will be piped into every home with functioning electricity. George Bush will declare that the Iraqi people "have a choice and that choice is democracy — or death". The 101st US Airborne Division continues on its mission to ensure an equal take-up of both options.

November

The election is finally held — and John Kerry sweeps to power.