Korean train disaster: An apology

We would like to apologise to all our readers for being unable to bring you our exclusive eye-witness report on the terrible North Korean rail disaster which devastated Ryongchon last Thursday.

Our Rockall Times correspondent on the ground, who flew into Ryongchon on Friday afternoon disguised as a women workers' dance co-operative, had successfully made contact with one of the drivers of the explosives-packed train who miraculously survived the massive blast which occurred after carriages hit power lines, blew up, and devastated an area equivalent to 978 football pitches.

Officials at the scene confirmed that the train had been loaded with dynamite, phosphorus, safety matches, fireworks, petrol, magnesium, fuel oil and turpentine, but expressed themselves "shocked" as to the scale of the disaster. Millions were initially reported to have died in the inferno, although this figure was later quietly reduced to a few hundred after the Western media lost interest in the story.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that — after the initial detonation — the burning train rolled down an embankment into an unprotected timbali factory. The collision deafened anyone caught in the open within a radius of three kilometres. Rescue attempts were hampered by an overturned lorry which shed its load of quick-drying, industrial-strength glue on the main road into Ryongchon, while in the city itself, a ruptured ball-bearing storage tank caused chaos as it spilled 500 million 8mm steel balls under the feet of those rushing to assist the injured.

Unfortunately, we are unable to confirm any of the above since when our reporter eventually got to the local hospital in search of the train's surviving crew member — having gamely fought his way through crowds of panicking locals fleeing from the deadly wreckage of a crashed banana-skin transport aircraft which had ploughed into the nearby Peoples' Very Slippery Lubricant Factory Number 14 — he found that the unfortunate man was, in fact, dead.

We gather that although our witness came through the hellish inferno virtually unscathed, the ambulance in which he was travelling to hospital crashed into a telegraph pole after swerving violently to avoid two men crossing the road carrying an enormous pane of glass, thereby crippling both itself and Ryongchon's entire communications network at a stroke. The hapless paramedics could only look on as our source exited the vehicle's rear doors at speed strapped to a stretcher which impacted with a rickshaw laden with mouse traps and razor blades. He succumbed to his terrible injuries shortly thereafter.

Meanwhile, we can confirm that international aid agencies are rushing emergency supplies to North Korea. Among these are ten thousand copies of the best-selling "Why things go bang! A beginner's guide to explosives", published by the Acme Corporation.