Athens Olympics embrace terrorism

This year's Olympics Games in Athens are intending to meet the threat of terrorism head on, The Rockall Times has learned. Worries over a possible attack by extremists have dogged the pre-games preparations and the Olympic committee has decided to add a series of events especially for terrorists.

A senior member of the committee explained to us that they were hoping that the initiative "would encourage them to take part in the games, rather than just bomb the shit out of them". Olympic organisers concede that the events come also as an acknowledgement that "you'd be hard pressed to tell the difference between the results of terrorist action and that of Greek builders".

The principal events in which al-Qaeda and Hamas will be invited to participate are:

Synchronised Suicide Bombing

Teams of up to six must impress the judges by blowing themselves up in as spectacular and graceful a manner as possible. Early indications are that the British intend to field a team — despite their lack of experience in this event. Several disgruntled fathers have already offered to take part in protest against the CSA, mounting a serious challenge to the teenage Palestinian girl favourites. A group of enraged Manchester United supporters — furious at its team's failure to take the FA Cup, Premiership and European SuperCashCup — are also rumoured to be in training with a massive amount of ammonium nitrate and an enormous replica of Old Trafford.

What's more, spectators can expect to enjoy the Modern Synchronised Suicide Bombing gala. This is much the same as the standard event, expect the participants will ponce around with ribbons and hoops in front of an enormous banner depicting a smiling Yasser Arafat.

Passenger Aircraft Kamikaze Slalom

In this challenging event participants must attempt to negotiate a pre-defined course and then hit a big building with as large an aircraft as possible. Entrants are expected to supply their own planes and extra marks will be awarded for "most stoical expression", "most agitated death cry" and "optimum head count". Sponsored by Boeing.

Grand Self-pity Superleague Final

World champions the US will take on all-comers to decide who has shamelessly milked their misfortune at the hands of others to the greatest effect. The veteran United Kingdom not fancied with a frankly amateur bit of muttering about the IRA, but Israel expected to mount a strong challenge with its classic "Holocaust" strategy. Promises to be a nail-biting final.

Sarin Underground Death 100m Dash

In this popular amateur event open to members of the public, the runners must attempt to escape from a crowded Japanese underground train carriage. Extra marks will be given for anyone completing the event in wheelchair.

Freestyle Finger pointing and Buck Passing

Always a crowd pleaser. Comprises an explosion in the Olympic stadium followed by the various authorities responsible for the games attempting to either blame each other or quickly pass the buck. The Spanish are expected to figure heavily in the medal tally.

Unjustified Mass Arrest Marathon

The games will culminate in this final spectacular wherein participants must to arrest as many people as possible who have no connection whatsoever with any terrorist acts. The winner will be the team who holds their suspects for the longest period without access to legal representation. British and US will doubtless lead the challenge for gold.