Bonk Brother: New sex house of fun unveiled for TV spectacle

Highest ever probability of on-screen sex, tabloids confirm

by Kieren McCarthy

Editorial note:

We first ran this article on 28 January 2002. We were then forced to run it again on 26 May 2003. For the love of all that's Holy, it's a damning indictment of British television that we are able to reprint it today safe in the knowledge that it is still as fresh and witty as it was when the last bunch of socially-inadequate retards locked themselves in a house for the benefit of the baying British public. Read on...

The roof has been lifted off the brand-new Big Brother house and it's sex-sational!

The hi-tech home — host to the most famous reality TV show on the planet — has been completely re-designed in a bid to spice up proceedings for the new series later this year.

Millions tuned in last time to see if Paul would stick his JT up the dappy Welsh bint with the blonde hair, but sadly, all they did was canoodle. TV bosses are determined this time though that two of the pathetic individuals will screw each other on camera and have done everything possible to make the house conducive to ratings-winning fornication.

Plans of the new house show a new "love loft" — with a retractable ladder to enable a couple's passion to spill over away from other contestants but in full view of the viewing public; a "rub room" where hot lovebirds can coat each other with exotic oils; and a "shag space" where several hundred sex toys adorn walls that contain TVs showing pornographic movies 24 hours a day.

On top of this, the number of jacuzzis — a hotspot in previous series - has been increased to four, the bedrooms have been remodelled on whore's rooms in Amsterdam — complete with glass door and curtain - and dildos and loveholes have been installed in the two communal showers. Programme makers also revealed that all wardrobes will contain a selection of kinky clothes including French maid and gimp outfits.

And if that wasn't enough enticement, Channel 4 will introduce several new games into the programme. One will have the girls guessing the size of each man's erect penis and then measuring them in their mouths, and the blokes having to identify the girls solely by sniffing the moist gussets of their knickers.

The Big Brother team are confident that with the new measures they can get people having sex so sad voyeuristic UK citizens can tune in without feeling perverted. An insider told us: "The producer has staked his reputation on getting some dirty fuc*king on the screen. If it extends to anal sex or sado-masochism, we've been told we'll get a bonus at the end of the series."

And the team has even swayed the decision process for contestants towards pointless casual sex, insisting each hopeful has slept with at least 50 people. "Oh, we've already started choosing people," our insider told us. "And let me tell you, we've had some total sluts. One day, there was a spontaneous orgy in the waiting room. One girl had all three orifices filled — simultaneously. We signed her up immediately."

The new house — which will be completed in time for the new series in May — will also have double the number of cameras as previously, so not one second of precious sexual contact between the fame-obsessed, pointless and revolting contestants will be missed.

Next week:

My Bonk Brother sex audition hell, by talentless and neurotic wannabe celebrity.