I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

'Our star player's going nowhere,' rants defiant Fergie

Following press reports of possible transfers to Real Madrid or Barcelona, Manchester United coach Sir Alex Ferguson has made a remarkable public appearance to insist all is well between him and the team's most bankable star: David Beckham.

Sitting next to a cardboard cut-out replica of the England idol, Ferguson angrily pointed out that the club has already issued numerous declarations over the past year insisting that the glittering metrosexual would be staying at Old Trafford and that "if that's good enough for MUTV then it should be good enough for the rest of you". Club accountants had earlier drawn reporters' attention to the fact that Beckham "must" still be at the club as "we still have 350,000 shirts with his name on at our megastore remaining to be sold".

However, some of the normally quiescent local pressmen are understood to have recently openly doubted this interpretation — with one even writing that as Beckham had been seen in Madrid quite a bit over the past nine months, might it possible that he had in fact already left in some way.

"Do ye'ken we're a bunch of liars?" Ferguson screeched menacingly to the offender-in-question while staring crazedly at one other particularly brave journalist who had asked an "insulting" question along the lines "will United only win the league by 20 points next season". He then punched a third for apparently speaking the forbidden word "Arsenal".

Incredibly, it seemed that some members of Her Majesty's press remain dissatisfied with the good word of Lord Puce of all the Manchesters. Indeed, a minority has gone so far as to observe that as señor Loos had played a total of zero games for the Reds this season, perhaps it was the case that he had already been transferred. Moreover, they timorously suggested, could they please move on to discussing the fate of other players who might have had enough of having Ferguson's glowering mug shoved in their face each and every time they made a a minor tactical error?

Ferguson left the meeting after administering a Glasgow kiss to several representatives from the tabloid press and an especially hard thump to the man from the Sporting Life who was heard to have whispered "JP McManus" to the woman sitting next to him. However, he was heard to mutter as he exited: "Jesus H Christ, soon you'll be telling me that van Nistlerooy is going to leave."

Club representatives stated afterwards that Ferguson would make another appearance later in the week to explain why he supports Roy Keane's decision to rejoingthe Republic of Ireland squad. He is expected to conclude: "If you can't trust what Roy says then who can you trust?"

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Sport’ index page