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Michael Jackson loses plot, then rediscovers it

Gardeners at Michael Jackson's "Neverland safe house for the under 14s" are reported to be slightly bemused by the latest turn of events in the life of the misunderstood millionaire paedophile. Fearing that their cushy little number of dusting the plastic plants with a helicopter on the white star's 3m acre estate may shortly come to an end, Wacko Jacko employees have called in union officials to investigate shocking recent developments in the case.

Jackson — who faces a possible 8.2m years in prison on a raft of charges including kiddie-fiddling, abduction, kidnap, false imprisonment, impersonating Diana Ross without a state licence and crotch-grasping in a public place — recently sacked his lawyers and is reportedly employing a team of Daffy Duck impersonators to ensure the continuing success of his sexual molestation empire. The post-reconstructed pop tart intends to quit show business and is intent — through his contact with famed footie star Graham Rix — to return to some level of anonymity by becoming the new manager at Chelsea once Claudio Ranieri has been "disposed of" by the Russian mafia.

Mr Jackson's mother and grandmother were kind enough to give The Rockall Times an interview on the subject. In keeping with the time-honoured family tradition of deploying their breasts in public, a topless Mrs Jackson stated: "Chelsea haven't really performed well enough this year and we feel Ranieri's substitutions in the first leg of their semi really cost us dearly."

Mrs Jackson Very Snr, with her pendulous dugs resting on her knees, further commented: "I love to stroke my little Michael ggsdgn." At which point her teeth fell out and her speech become quite garbled.

It was at this juncture that a stunned audience of frenzied tabloid journos witnessed the entrance of the aforementioned Michael Jackson. Grabbing his crotch and gesturing toward his Gran he screamed "Put yer teeth back in granma I'z a comin' in!!"

On noticing the assembled media hacks, Mr Jackson composed himself and soberly stated: "I intend to escape these insults to my innocent white being by escaping on the yellow submarine, for I own the rights to all The Beatles records, up the blues!" He then poked his tongue out, which fell off, and he left.

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