Government moots computer ownership test

In a move welcomed by IT support staff nationwide, the government has pledged to introduce a minimum competence level for computer owners. Under the new scheme, prospective PC owners will have to demonstrate their ability to perform a number of simple tasks. The scheme is said to have the personal backing of Tony Blair who is apparently "well pissed off with John Prescott knackering the cabinet PC".

The actual details of the test are still at the back of a fag packet stage but it will contain a series of tasks designed to replicate every day computer usage.

These are thought to include:

Using the computer for five minutes without buggering up the settings

A crucial test and one that is predicted to be a difficult hurdle for many neophyte users. Laboratory test have proved than 90 per cent of computer novices will catastrophically alter their computer settings within two minutes turning it on.

Not open an email containing a virus

Once again a difficult challenge for the average home user, particularly those with a small penis or credit card problems*.

Read the manual before attempting a task

Despite computer software programs being the most complex artefacts ever made by man, most users believe they can operate them simply by opening the program and clicking on the prettiest icons. Unopened computer manuals have a proud lineage, stretching back in a dusty line to Charles Babbage's instruction parchment for his Difference Engine, still sealed with its original wax. Manuals that have actually been opened and read fetch a good price due to their rarity value.

Perhaps understandably, computer retailers have been less than impressed with the proposal. A spokesman for well respected outlet, PC Globe, voiced concerns over increased costs. "For starters, we would have to replace our current staff with people who actually know something about computers" he explained. "Also if we are only allowed to sell to people who can use a computer properly then it's going to reduce our sales base by about 95 per cent".

Industry professionals have also expressed their worries. We spoke to a successful consultant, known only as J, about his fears. "I know bugger all about computers but I've been working as a consultant for years. My customers mainly consist of people who actually have a negative amount of computer knowledge. I very much doubt that I could pass a computer-related test but, quite frankly, I feel it's unreasonable and unnecessary to expect consultants — particularly IT ones — to know what they're doing".

* About 90 percent of home users, it would appear.