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Chancellor reassures public over fuel price hike

Chancellor Gordon Brown moved today to allay fears over the proposed fuel price increase in September. Motoring groups have been concerned that the current spate of oil price increases would force Mr Brown to reconsider the planned 1.7p a litre hike.

Fortunately, Mr Brown enhanced his already solid reputation for fiscal fairness by reassuring the public that the increase would go ahead as planned. "I would like to thank the British people for the many letters of support I have received over this matter," he said.

"It would have been easy for me to put off this increase on the grounds of the enormous damage it will do to our transport infrastructure and manufacturing industry. I could even have said that our fuel tax is already the highest in the world; it would be madness to increase it still further. But it would have meant having to change the forms I've already filled in and they are fiddly bastards those forms, I can tell you."

The news that the rise — taking the price of unleaded fuel to £437 a litre — will go ahead as planned has reassured those concerned about a possible second fuel protest. Few of us will forget the huge campaign waged a couple of years ago, when groups of truckers felt that the government was not receiving enough in fuel tax revenue. They picketed petrol stations encouraging the public to hand over extra tax money when buying fuel — an action which received the full backing of the UK's car-driving citizens who queued at fuel outlets for hours, even days, to show their support in person.

We spoke to the head of trucking company, Big Dave of Big Dave Trucking, who expressed his delight at the news. "Obviously it's going to be hard for us with the increase and it's entirely possible we may go to the wall. But at the end of the day we need to support the government and if the government needs to send another 500,000 troops to Iraq then we'll just have to bite the bullet. Stuff like this doesn't just pay for itself, you know."

Meanwhile, there has been a similarly jubilant reception to the news that the average water rates bill will increase by £100 over the next five years. Crowds gathered around the headquarters of all the UK's major water companies to express their joy that the operators' shareholder poverty will finally be alleviated.

"I've been fighting for three years to make certain that the people who own these utilities will never, ever again have to face the spectre of famine," said one woman who had sold her car and brought the entire proceeds in cash to donate to the cause. "They have selflessly ploughed back every penny of ratepayers' money into improving the quality of our water and the means of delivery, and have left themselves with absolutely nothing. There will be a turkey on every shareholder's table this Xmas, that's for certain," she added, sobbing uncontrollably.

The visibly-moved managing director of French WaterEau PLC — a multi-national company brought to the brink of financial ruin through its commitment to provide a quality product at the lowest possible price — braved the elements yesterday and emerged from the ramshackle shed which acts as his corporate headquarters to speak to The Rockall Times. Without shoes, and with his trousers held up by string, he tearfully told us: "I'll be able to get a second-hand bike now to cycle to work. I've been doing the 30-mile round trip on foot for two years. And maybe, just maybe, my wife can come off the game and we can buy the kids back from the workhouse. God bless you, guv'nor."

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