Horror as toddler eats age reduction cream

A distraught mother has called for tighter control on the sale of age-reducing products after her toddler returned unexpectedly to the womb. She alleges the harrowing debirth incident happened after her three-year-old son consumed an entire tub of a well-know brand of skin moisturising cream.

"I can't believe it," sobbed a visibly-repregnant Mrs S Gilbert from Brighton. "I'd brought the cream because it can knock up to five years off your appearance using a patented nano-technology skin rehabilitating bio flush with bioflavinoidal scourant technology. I left it with the lid off and my son must have picked it up. And now look at him," she wailed while rubbing her swollen belly.

Mrs Gilbert is anxious to ensure no one else suffers a similar trauma and has sacrificed every waking minute — ably supported by a phalanx of top-quality lawyers — to sue the company involved. The manufacturers have, naturally, refuted her claims. When door stepped by our thrusting hack pack the CEO made the following statement: "Mrs Gilbert is insane. There's no way our cream could cause actual genetic regression — its just yogurt and WD40. The only thing it's guaranteed to reduce is your bank balance."

This hastily-given statement was later withdrawn and revised to: "We are confident in the safety of our products. Each pack is carefully tested to ensure the mega-hydrating nanobots within are painstakingly programmed to avoid this sort of accident."

In a desperate effort to ensure that this story would be of sufficient length to fill a Web page, The Rockall Times also interviewed top boffin Professor Stephen Hawking. He was reluctant to offer an opinion at first but soon loosened up when his wife offered to slap him around a bit.

"From what I have seen of the cosmetics industry, it seems to be ate the cutting edge of scientific research, so it is perhaps possible they can reverse the flow of time," Hawking barked robotically. "Why, only today I saw a shampoo which contained 'light refracting technology'. Now I am, as we all know, well tooled up in the brain department, but I'm buggered if I can think of a way of altering the flow of light particles using a shampoo. These cosmetic chaps are obviously way ahead of the rest of us."

Editorial note

If this piece does not satisfactorily fill your Web page, please contact our editorial shortfall department on 06660-945-3000 and they will send you some supplementary jokes. Calls cost £5 per min at all times, plus your usual network charges. Please ask the person paying the bill before calling, or at least own up later when the bill eventually arrives on the doormat.