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Government pulls off major comedy coup

The government has pulled off a major comedy coup, we can reveal. Hilarious comedian Jim Davidson is quitting Britain to escape Blair's Labour government: and he won't be back.

Davidson, 50 — who has four ex-wives, five children and two jokes — is selling his £4m Surrey mansion and heading for Dubai. He told anyone who would listen: "If Labour win the next election I can't see a reason for coming back."

Tory leader Vlad the Impaler immediately launched a damage-limitation exercise in the face of this major blow to his election hopes: "I'm sure Jim was only joking. After all, he's a funny, funny man."

However, political commentators say that Davidson's on-the-record promise virtually guarantees a Labour landslide next time around. "All Blair has to do is broadcast ten minutes of Mr Davidson's side-splitting live show followed by the caption 'Never again' followed by a 'Vote Labour' graphic. Job done," one media pundit told The Rockall TImes.

The government of Dubai is said to be equally delighted, since Davidson's progressive attitude towards women will allow him to effortlessly integrate in that sun-kissed paradise. "Brilliant, absolutely brilliant," enthused one enturbaned Dubairanian drinking scotch at the roulette wheel of a London casino with a high-class escort on each arm. "I love his TV show, with all of the jokes about the female producer. You know the one — 'You know something? The producer of this show's a woman... That's right, a fuc*king woman. I said to her, I said shouldn't you be at home with the kids or out buying tampons or something? A fuc*king woman, eh? For fuc*k's sake. Fuc*k me.' The man's a comedy genius."

We attempted to contact Davidson at his £350,000, 33rd-floor luxury Gulfside pad, but his agent said: "Sorry, Jim won't be back for two weeks. He's taking his I'm not saying my mother-in-law's fat, right... tour round the Falklands. I'm told it's already sold out in Goose Green."

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