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Iraqi prisoner abuse: New horrors revealed

The Rockall Times can reveal that Iraqi prisoners held in US jails in the Country Formerly Known as Iraq™ have been subjected to a new catalogue of abuse so shocking that they are barely suitable to be listed in a family publication such as this. Worse still, these shocking new revelations appear likely to be completely ignored by the US and laughed off as "one of those things that happens in a war, you know — like people getting shot and stuff".

The American peace effort in Iraq, which had previously been highly successful in diverting attention away from the ongoing freedom of handsome, moderate and publicity-shy Muslim leader Osama bin Laden, is unlikely to be diverted from its righteous course by eyewitness accounts such as that of Ali Ali al Ali, the father of a captured Iraqi.

Ali, 103, said: "My son had been on a morning stroll near to an American base with explosives strapped to his body. He was unfairly arrested for this, and after literally hours of pleading, I was allowed a visit him. When I saw him, I could clearly see evidence of abrasions on his forearms and bruising on the top of his arms. Some might say this was due to a particularly nasty pool-related fight my boy had previously got into at the Rose and Crown in downtown Baghdad, but I can only conclude the American soldiers were meting out punitive dead arms and disciplinary Chinese burns. My suspicions were confirmed when my son turned round to leave and I saw a piece of paper with 'Kick Me' written on it sellotaped to his back. I'm convinced someone had deliberately stamped on his new shoes as well."

We contacted Clarissa Peasbody, self-appointed expert of interfering do-gooding organisation Amnesty International for comment. "This does not surprise me in the slightest," she intoned. "We're getting many reports of similar outrages — unprovoked dinner money thefts are rife across Iraq, and the streets of Najaf are awash with unconfirmed rumours of wedgies being meted out and nipple twisters being used on whimpering, defenceless Shi'ite clerics."

Emperor George "Palpatine" Bush was unavailable for comment. Defence (with a "c") secretary Ronald Dumsfeld refused to return our calls despite The Rockall Times' Pentagon correspondent pointing out that he was ultimately responsible for American forces in Iraq. Our reporter was later found getting his head flushed down a toilet by a man with an American accent.

A Pentagon spokesperson did eventually concede: "Well, what do you expect? These prisoners have it coming to them. They've either got ginger hair, are a bit fat, or wear jam jar bottom specs. Surely everyone would take the opportunity to slap around a fat, ginger spec-wearing raghead, wouldn't they?." The spokesperson then asked for names of prisoners making these allegations. Whilst ordinarily The Rockall Times does not reveal its sources, the presence of several large members of the US special forces bearing guns led to our hapless hack willingly providing a full list of names. As our reporter was finally ejected from the premises on the end of a Marine's steel-toecap boot, the spokesperson was heard to mutter: "They're only making it worse for themselves. Everyone hates a tell-tale."

When questioned on the need for continuing American military presence in Iraq, despite the war being announced as a complete success over a year ago, a senior Pentagon source provided us with this quote: "La, la, la, can't hear you, not listening, la la la."

In related news, Hollywood insiders have confirmed that one major studio is casting for a big-screen adaptation of the life of army reservist Lynndie England, currently facing up to three weeks' imprisonment for human rights abuses in some Iraqi jail or other.

The raft of charges floating towards England include "acting under orders", "obeying the chain of command" and "being photographed while smoking while in uniform while on duty".

Industry insiders suggest that Juliette Lewis is front-runner to take the lead for the $230m film — tentatively entitled 6,412 Mile, representing the distance from England's humble trailer-park origins to the bright lights of Baghdad. J-Lo will make a cameo appearance as the US hero's mother and Ben Affleck blazes his way across the screen as a no-nonsense Air Force jock who single-handedly quells the Shi'ite uprising in Najaf armed with nothing more than napalm and a fat cigar. More details next week.

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