Piers Morgan joins Rockall Times

We are delighted to announce today that disgraced former Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan will join The Rockall Times next month as picture editor. The highly-talented journalist underwent a gruelling 16-hour interview by our editorial panel, after which picture bureau chief Paparazzi O'Leery announced: "He's a cun*t but I respect his work."

Morgan is understandably elated at the prospect of getting straight back into journalism following his public humiliation over faked Iraq abuse photographs. The two-figure deal between himself and Rockall contains a clause stating that "The Rockall Times undertakes to provide all reasonable measures to protect Mr Morgan from The Queen's Lancashire Regiment" — a reference to the army outfit fingered in the hoax which is now combing the UK countryside in helicopter gunships looking to "pop a cap in Morgan's muthsfuc*kin' ass", as one intelligence source put it. In return, Morgan promises "never again to appear on British television pontificating about the role of the tabloid press as a keystone of democracy".

Morgan joins an elite journalistic outfit whose award-winning scoops in the past include the discovery of the West's terrifying propangada superbomb, Cherie Blair's naked pagan shower sex romps with topless model and the disturbing truth that Labour MP George Galloway enjoyed three-in-a-bed orgies with devil worshipping pimp from the Special Republican Guard.

Paparazzi O'Leery took time from his punishing schedule — which currently involves the virtually impossible task of getting covert snaps of Abbi Titmuss with her clothes on — to tell our news desk: "I'm over the moon that Piers is on board. It's difficult enough to get decent photos for a weekly publication, so I'm relieved that we have someone around who can 'mock up' stuff as required. Great news."

Meanwhile, we gather that Sun editor Rebecca Wade is "spitting feathers" after learning of our Morgan coup. Ms Wade is believed to have offered her former rival a job as the paper's official mascot — a post which apparently involves being led around naked on a lead by Ms Wade, urinated upon by howling tabloid hacks and kicked by members of the armed forces.

Next week

Picture exclusive: Laughing British troops spit roast Iraqi children for drunken Gulf barbecue