Adolf Hitler very bad: Official

We at The Rockall Times today applaud the town of Haslach in Upper Austria for finally confirming what many others had suspected for some time: Adolf Hitler was not a very nice person at all.

Despite the fun-loving Fuhrer's legendary sense of humour and love of animals, there have always been rumours of a darker, less affable side. Indeed, stories of invasion and genocide persist among older European citizens, despite their younger counterparts insisting "it's all history, man", and "you've got to learn to loosen up, old timer".

Well, Haslach has now thrown the issue into sharp relief — a bit like that lovely silhouette of St Pauls against a burning London during the Blitz — by stripping Hitler of the honourary citizenship it originally granted him in March 1938.

Mayor Norbert Leitner told The Rockall Times: "We had to carefully weigh the evidence for and against stripping the Fuhrer of the title. On the one hand you have the rape of Europe, on the other the fantastic autobahn system which we Germans, sorry Austrians, enjoy to this day. This is not the sort of decision you can rush into."

Despite the delay, Haslach has finally confirmed that Adolf Hitler will no longer enjoy special privileges in the town", although mayor Leitner confirmed that there was nothing stopping him "coming as a casual visitor and partaking of Haslach's special delights". When we asked what these might be, Leitner told us: "Oh, the Adolf Hitler museum, the Adolf Hitler memorial fountain and the Adolf Hitler Youth Sports Centre."

We can confirm that the German town of Bitterfeld in Sachsen-Anhalt is the only one in the world which now numbers Hitler among its honorary citizens. They are said to be conducting an "ongoing investigation" into whether he might have done anything which could lead to his disqualification from the title.