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Couple to divorce despite three-years' constant arguing

A couple from Northumberland have shocked friends and relatives by failing to solve fundamental problems in their marriage despite nearly three years of constant bickering and fighting. They are now separated and look likely to divorce.

Susan and Darren Evans married in June 2001 and straight away were confronted with two serious problems in their realtionship. These were centred on Mr Evans “never lifting a finger around the house” and the fact that Mrs Evan’s parents were "a pair of interfering wankers".

Mrs Evans takes up the story: “Obviously I knew when I got married that Darren wasn’t one for housework but I thought I could get him to change his habits by constant nagging. Similarly, he had a bit of a problem with my parents but thought he could work the issues through by being rude to them at every available opportunity. It’s what my friends do and some of them have been unhappily married for twenty years”.

“I even went that extra mile,” chipped in Mr Evans “But nothing seemed to work. I forbade her parents to come around and made a point of storming out of the room every time they walked in. Towards the end we made a supreme effort and argued virtually very night but we still split up."

“Shut up Darren, I’m talking,” smiled Mrs Evans through gritted teeth.

News of the Evans' break-up has sent shock waves through the whole marriage counselling industry. A spokesman for Relate has advised other couples to continue arguing until they are able to examine Mr and Mrs Evans' case more closely.

“At first glance it would appear to contradict the advice that we and other counselling organisations have been offering. But it is important that we examine the situation thoroughly before commenting. It’s entirely possible that the couple in question weren’t following our guidelines completely.

“They may, for instance, have stopped arguing after it became an apparently pointless repetition. Perhaps the wife didn’t adopt a sufficiently obnoxious nagging tone or the husband my have inadvertently lapsed into a more tolerant attitude towards his in-laws.

“Until we have thoroughly investigated the matter we must advise married couples to keep up the bickering as much as possible.”

Meanwhile, the counsellor offered the following tips for those who believe their relationship may be heading for separation and divorce:

Her

• Keep the pressure on about his drinking, even if he only partakes of a can of shandy at weekends.
• That shelf in the bathroom still isn't up. Take him to task. When he completes the job, move onto another.
• If there is a lull in the fighting, provoke conflict by talking loudly about nothing at all during televised football.
• If you have kids, immediately change any clothes your husband may dress them in.
• If all else fails, blow a month's wages on a pair of shoes.

Him

• Keep the pressure on about her weight, even if she looks like Elle Macpherson. If she gets her hair done, ignore it. Studiously avoid displays of affection.
• Your boiled egg's a bit runny. Take her to task. When she boils another, move onto the insipid, milky tea.
• If there is a lull in the fighting, provoke a shouting match by attacking her lack of DIY/driving/map-reading skills.
• If you have kids, dress them in clothes which are entirely unsuitable for the temperature/weather/planned excursion.
• If all else fails, blow a month's wages on a motorbike.

As a couple

• Fight constantly about credit card spending, even if you don't have a credit card.
• Disagree on every detail of your home environment, no matter how trivial. If one partner expresses a penchant for waxed pine furniture, immediately come down vociferously on the side of chrome metropolitan chic.
• Save your best spats for your friends' houses. They will be impressed with the progress you have made towards the perfect, balanced marriage.
• Above all, make the effort. You have to work at a marriage.

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